Homeschooling Sadness

That's all I want!!!

I'm sad.  Very sad.  And I am NOT going to get over it.  I want to homeschool my kids.  I want them at home.  I want them here, with me, safe.  I want them to have one teacher for the three of them, not one teacher for 25 students.  I want them to stay nieve.  I want them to see the world the way I've taught them about it.  I want them to never have to tell another child that they aren't allowed to play "shooting games".  I don't want them to have to be put in a position of either playing along, or being alone.  I don't want them hearing about things like parents being mean, or about sex.  Seriously.  It bothers me to no end to think that my kids are going to be put in a position where they're going to have to act like they're adults (when they aren't!) and say no to a situation that may come up.  I have to depend on them behaving like they're much older than they are...and I don't live in a world of make-believe...I know that children are going to act like children.

Maybe that's not why other people homeschool.  I don't know.  Maybe people homeschool because they don't vaccinate and their kids can't go unless they are up to date on vaccinations.  Here, in Canada, it's illegal to deny a child an education based on vaccination status.  They have the right to an education.  No matter what.  I'm not worried about my un-vaxxed kids being at school...they will remain that way.

I know some people homeschool because they want their child taught according to their religious beliefs.  They want their child brought up learning their views, without outside influence.  And that's just so great for them.  But I'm also not worried about that.  I'm United, and it's pretty lenient on...well, pretty much everything.  I was raised United, and was openly allowed to question what I was told, and to look at other religions to see what I thought.  After many years of not going to church, I've taken my own children to a United church in our city a few times.  I'm not worried that they will grow up not understanding our religious beliefs.

I'm sure that some people also homeschool because they have special-needs children and refuse to drug them.  And I understand that completely.  I have never had my children tested for having Sensory Processing Disorder, but have taken a few online tests, and the twins both have areas that they hit every single one of the items on the list.  I know they have it.  And truthfully, if either of my children ever have an issue in school that results in a teacher (or the school board) recommend I drug them in ANY way, I'd pull my kids from school in a heartbeat.  They can kiss my ass.  No way.  If I can manage to peacefully parent three children, two of whom have SPD and KNOW they don't need to be drugged, there's no person on this planet that would convince me of that.
Still, that's not the reason I want them here.

I'm sure that being in a mainstream school will be good for them socially...meaning I know they'll get time to play with other children.  I don't have any disillusionment when it comes to knowing the difference between "playing with other children", and "social skills".  I know they get "social skills" every single day, from interacting with the people around them...with me, with my husband, with each other...

I'm sure they'll get to have a lot of fun doing things like painting, or going on school trips.  But they paint here. At home.  And we take trips to places all the time.  We have the most fun with them when we take them out.  And the idea of them going on a trip without me...UGH!  I'm terrified.

I don't know if every parent goes through this before their kids start school.  I'm sure not everyone does.  I know that there are more than a few parents that look forward to their children being out of the house so they can have "me time".

I don't even WANT "me time".  I don't only not WANT it...I HATE IT.

I know I sounded like a child there...but I don't really care.  I hate the idea of them not being here.  I hate the idea of them being away from me from 9am until 3pm every-other day.  I hate it.  And that's the nicest way I can even come up with to say how I feel.  My heart hurts just thinking about it.

Maybe I'm being crazy.  I don't know.

What I do know...
I know that I had those twins after carrying them for 30 weeks.
I know that I had to watch them fight to live.
I know that I had to visit them every day for 8 1/2 weeks in the NICU, and every second of it was worse than any nightmare I've ever had.
I know that there isn't a soul on this earth that I love more than my children.
I know that I'm afraid of what will happen when I'm not there to keep them safe.
I know that my son is a daredevil...that he needs a constant eye on him to keep him from getting hurt...and that more than once I've saved him from getting killed.
I know that my daughter is sensitive...that things upset her because she is such a kind soul.  And I won't be there to comfort her when she cries.
I know that even the bus ride to school is going to be something I worry about...what if...
I know that if anything ever happened to one of my children at school, or because of going to school, I would never again be the same person I am now.  I would be broken.

Maybe these are the words of a "new mom"...even though they are 3 1/2, I have very little experience.  I'm going on what I know, what I've learned, and instinct.  And I know my instinct says to keep them at home.

And I don't want to throw my husband under the bus here...but...it really is him that is making all of this happen.  It's him who wants them in school.  It's him who has INSISTED that they go.  And it's very clear that the only way that they're staying home is if I was to divorce my husband.  He is that serious.  He is not going to give in.  And it kills me to give in on this.  But I have to think that my children having both of their parents under one roof is more important than my COMPLETE AND OVERWHELMING TERROR of them going to school.  I have to put their needs before my own...even when it makes my heart hurt.  Because my husband is ultimately a good man.  He just thinks about things differently than I do...and he HAS given in on a lot of things that he really felt strongly about because I was willing to divorce HIM to protect my children;
He wanted them vaccinated and I said no.  I told him that if I had to, I'd leave and take the kids to keep them safe.  I had to protect them...no matter what.
He wanted my son circumcised, and I said no.  I told him that I'd either A) kill him, or B) divorce him, if he had our boy circumcised against my wishes.
He wanted me to use the hormone cream on Baby Girl's labial adhesion because "the Dr. wouldn't give it to her if she didn't need it", and I refused...and it fixed itself!
He wanted Ooie's ears pierced.  I said no way.  She has no piercings.
He wanted the baby in a crib.  I said no.  She's 14 months...sleeping in our bed.  Shes never slept in a crib.
He told me to wean our son at a year old.  At 22 months I weaned him because of a high-risk pregnancy.

He's a fantastic PERSON and always means well, but he has never done a single second of research.  For that reason I feel like I should get to make the major decisions...I'm the one with the facts, right?!  If he did some research and found something different than I did, I'd have to consider his opinion on these things valid.  But he hasn't.

He doesn't get it.  He thinks I'm being crazy.  He thinks my research has made me nuts.  And maybe it has.  Maybe I know too much.  Maybe I'm to the point that learning has made my life something I take too seriously.  But how can I get past the fact that I feel like I'm giving in on a major thing...something that could ultimately change them forever?!  I want them to stay the children I've raised them to be.  I don't think that's too much to ask for!!!

I need to go and eat some chocolate.  I only have seven months left with my children staying home everyday.  The idea of that is just too much for me right now.  : (

This looks like TORTURE to me!