Children Do NOT NEED To Be Spanked!!!

Well, you know I'm going to snap, right??  This has been going around for a couple of days, and it's getting to me.  REALLY getting to me.  Not JUST the picture.  But the ignorant comments that come with it.

"I had my ass beat, and I turned out okay".  Well, no you really didn't.  You became someone that believes that hitting someone 1/4 of your size, and who trusts you fully to protect them, is perfectly fine and acceptable.  And not only that, you brag about it.  So no.  You're not "okay".  You were damaged, and you're continuing the cycle of abuse that was done to you.  
The fact is that children don't think much about what they say, at different times of their lives.  Sometimes their (developmental) inability to put the thoughts and feelings of other before their own does come across as "bullying".  Sometimes it comes across as being "disrespectful".

Sometimes kids act out, even when they KNOW that their behavior is inappropriate, and unacceptable.  But then...so do a lot of adults I've known in my life...so...apparently "taking away the rights" of parents to "beat" their children's asses did not work all that well for them after all...

Hitting a child who is upset, or acting out is never the answer.  Not ever.  As adults, we have the ability to control our emotions, and our actions.  Most children do not.  It's taught over time, and if children never grow up seeing it in action, how the hell are they going to learn it?!

And, my final comment (before I go all bat-shit crazy), is that children have rights too.  The right to feel safe, and to BE safe.  The right to say no.  The right to disagree with us.  Children have the right to ACT LIKE CHILDREN.  They have the right to live in a home where they're raised with love, not fear.  Because fear does not create respect.  It creates anger.  And these blessings you were given deserve better than that.

Love them like you wish you were loved.  Pretty simple.

From Mainstream To Chewy...And Beyond!

So, before I had kids, I knew EXACTLY how I was going to parent. I had all the answers. If my kids lipped me off, I'd spank them. (I was spanked, and I turned out okay.)  I was going to fully vaccinate them because if I didn't, what kind of a parent would I be?! Geeze, they could get POLIO, you know! And I had always planned on breastfeeding, but before kids it was a non-issue, something I never put too much thought into. When the twins were born, I said I'd breastfeed for a year, then stop. Oh, and lets not forget letting them CIO. Seriously, it's not going to kill them to cry. And if I had a son, he WOULD be circumcised. I don't even remember why...but I knew the "tip" would be snipped.

I look back at the parent I was before I had kids.  Lets just say I am SO glad I only had cats.  That is NOT the parent I would ever want my children to have.  I remember hearing about co-sleeping and thinking "you hippies are going to smother those babies!"  I remember hearing about the "dangers" of formula feeding and thinking these breast feeders were Nazis, spreading their propaganda, and pushing their opinions on everyone else so they could feel superior.  I remember thinking that if I ever ended up that way, I would want someone to punch me right in the face, because I'd deserve it.

Now, after three kids, part of me wants to say that the person I was then needed a punch in the face more than anyone I've ever met!!  The other part of me, (the kinder, gentler part of me) knows that the person I used to be had NO information or experience, and the opinions I had at the time were formed from my own experiences as a child.  Nothing more.  I know that the person I was before children (B.C.) was on the outside, looking in.  And really, when you're raised being told that babies need to cry (as not to "spoil" them), and that children need to be spanked (it keeps them out of prison, you know), and that formula is "just as good" as breast milk, it's only through experience and education that you can see things from another perspective.  Before that, (before learning how to do things better) you don't even know there's another perspective in the first place.

So, here it is.  I was a hard-core mainstream mom before I ever had kids.  But then something happened.  After 7 years of TTC, my husband and I FINALLY got pregnant!

I'll tell you...that in itself started things rolling in the right direction.  Then, at 7 1/2 months gestation, my twins were born due to PPROM.  When they were born my son was 3 lbs., 14oz.  As he came, the room filled with NICU staff, they held him up for a split second for me to see him (I wasn't wearing my glasses, I couldn't see much), and they whisked him away.  Five minutes later his sister was born weighing 2 lbs., 12oz.  She was born not breathing, so they immediately ran out of the room with her in a towel.  After 45 minutes of working on her, they returned with her in an incubator.  They were bringing her in to show me that she was alive.  She survived her birth.

That moment...that very second that I laid eyes on her...she was red from jaundice, and the smallest human being I had ever seen in my life...that very second, the world disappeared.  Literally.  I could see nothing but that little angel in her incubator.  I could hear no sounds, and nothing in this world even existed but her.  It was that very moment that I changed forever.  That little tiny baby was mine.  I was her mom.

I didn't hear the Dr. talking to me...I didn't even realize there was anyone there anymore.  I was so focused on that incubator, I had tunnel vision and my ears couldn't hear...my husband put my hand in the Dr.'s, and shook it for me.  Only then did I look away, look at my husband (annoyed that he had interrupted me), and said "what?!"  He just laughed and said "the Dr. wanted to congratulate you."  I looked at the Dr., and thanked her for my babies.  That's when they took my baby girl into the NICU.

We had a nightmare of a "journey" in the NICU.  It sucked so bad.  I said more than once that it was a roller coaster, and I hate roller coasters.  After 8 1/2 weeks of visiting them there, watching them both survive things that would have killed adults, the ride stopped, and we got off.

I don't know if it was PTSD from what we went through there.  I don't know if it was suddenly coming out of the shock my brain immediately went into the very moment I went into labor with them.  I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, or the complete overload of stress of their birth and first 2+ months of life.  But when we brought them home, I was not the parent I thought I would be.

The instant one of them would make a sound, I was in their room standing over them, ready to pick them up and hold them if they needed me.  Never once did I ever make them CIO.  There were times that one of them cried while I fed/changed/rocked the other one.  But it wasn't because I was trying to teach them to get used to not being held.  It was simply because I didn't have enough arms to pick them both up at once.  (And it would not have been safe to attempt it with how very exhausted I was.)  I cannot even imagine how someone could hear their baby in distress and ignore them.  It just baffles me.

As much as I would have loved to have them in our room with us, at that time we lived in a very nice, but very small 4-plex.  We thought it would be perfect for when they were born...no carpets, so no worry that we'd have cat/dog hair getting all over them...just run a broom across the floor a couple times a day, and the hair would be gone.  We clearly had never had children before, because it didn't take long to realize that ceramic tile, as nice as it looks, was less than ideal for infants.  There were 3 bedrooms, but the only normal-sized room was on the main floor, directly off the kitchen.  (Crazy!)  That became our living room until the twins started Occupational Therapy , and then it became a "play" room...where I could work with them to help them catch up developmentally.

The two bedrooms downstairs seemed great before we had the kids.  They were right across from each other, and the one we had for the kids was big enough for two cribs, a dresser, and a rocking chair.  Our room was smaller, and fit our bed and a small side table.  As much as we thought it would be ideal, once they were home, it wasn't.  I had a baby monitor in their room, and the receiver was right next to my head, turned up to full volume so I could hear them breathe.  Still, every hour on the hour I would wake up and run into their room to rouse them a little bit, just to make sure they were still alive.  (I did that for over a year, even when they were bigger, and sleeping in 5 hour intervals.)  I also had to wake them every 3 hours around the clock to eat.  So I'd wake one, change them, feed them, and put them back to bed.  Then I'd wake the other, change them, feed them, and put them back to bed.  Then I'd wash a bottle, mix up the next one, and get into bed for ONE hour before doing it all again.  (With preemies the 3 hours is from the START of one feed to the START of the next one.)  In total, I was sleeping 3 hours every 24, and it was in three separate attempts.  I can't help but think that if they were in our room, after they were allowed to finally sleep longer than 3 hours between feeds, I could have simply reached over and put my hand on their chests to feel them breathe, instead of waking up in a state of panic and running into their room every hour.  I know without a doubt that I still would have woke up, but it could have been better.  Less traumatic and extreme.

Before we were allowed to take them home from the hospital, we were required to make a Dr.'s appointment for them, and provide the hospital with the date and time, so they would know that our preemies were going to be okay in our care.  We were also told that at that visit, our children HAD to be vaccinated, or they would not release them to us.  (We were told more than once that our children were "property of the hospital" until released to us upon discharge.  Seriously.)  So I did what I had to do to take my babies home.

At that Dr.'s appt., I asked about why they'd be getting vaccinated at that time, considering that they shouldn't  have even been born yet.  My Dr. simply said "that's just how we do it."  My mommy instinct was SCREAMING, but I handed them over.  I let them vaccinate the kids.  They were vaccinated at 2, 4, and 8 months actual age...which means that when you "correct" their ages, they were vaccinated 2 weeks before their due date, at 1 1/2 months old, and at 5 1/2 months.  Also, starting at 5 months actual age (2 1/2 months corrected age), they started getting a monthly RSV shot.  The Dr. told me that we should be "so thankful" that our twins qualified for this shot...it would save their lives.  I was told that RSV in preemies is among the top killers in the first year.  I can honestly say that I was too afraid to say no.  For 5 months throughout the winter, the twins got their RSV shots, and I did my best to spread them out so they didn't have them too close to their routine shots.

I'll never forget the day I took the twins in for their 8 month shots.  My son went first, and my husband stayed in the room with him because I couldn't hold him down while the nurse put that needle in his leg.  I did it the first time and it broke my heart.  So I stayed out in the waiting room with my daughter, playing with her on the floor until it was her turn.  When my husband brought my son out, he stopped crying as soon as I took him.  Then my husband took our daughter into the room.  

I could hear that high-pitched scream clear as day, and she was in the farthest room from the waiting room.  When she came out, she wasn't just crying.  It was a scream I'll remember for my entire life...it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and the mommy radar inside of my guts was just going insane.  I knew something wasn't right.  I knew these kids better than anyone else, and that scream was NOT normal.  

We were told to stay until she calmed down.  We spent half an hour in that waiting room with them.  She finally calmed down, and we took them out and put them in their carseats.  She started screaming again.  Instead of taking her back in, we went home.  I knew that all she needed was to get home, where it was safe, and snuggle up with Momma.  

That night I slept on the floor of their bedroom.  I couldn't get the sound of her screams out of my head, and I couldn't go to bed and ignore what my gut was saying.  Every hour I would rouse her so she didn't sleep too soundly, terrified that she might die if I left her to fall asleep too deeply.  The next morning when I got her out of her crib, the spot on her left thigh was swollen and felt like there was a golf ball inside of it.  If I touched it, she would scream again.  I called the doctor's office and was treated like I was stupid.  I was told it was "normal", and that I shouldn't worry so much, that my fears were "normal new mother fears".  The receptionist told me that if she continued to scream and it lasted more than a day, or if she got a fever over 101 degrees, to bring her back in.  Otherwise I should stop worrying.  Yeah.  Easy to say when it's not your child!!!

That day something inside of me snapped.  I was suddenly unable to ignore the feeling in my gut that something was seriously wrong with giving these babies those shots when they should have not been getting them for months after they got them.  If they were born full term, none of these shots would have been timed like this.  And so I started researching.

In the beginning I wanted to believe I was wrong.  That I was the crazy one...that I was just an overly-worried new mother.  I wanted to dig and dig and find that the Dr. was right, and that I didn't make a horrible irreversible mistake letting him vaccinate my twins according to their actual age, rather than their corrected age.  I wanted to read that I had no choice, and so I did the only thing I could, which was to shut up and go along with the program.

The more I dug, the worse things got.  I couldn't sleep.  The things I found were terrifying.  The truth about the ingredients of vaccines, the truth about the diseases...I bought books and read them in bed when I couldn't be on the computer.  My brain felt like it was turning to liquid as I learned more and more about how I had been living my life with the wool over my own eyes.  At first I had to look up every second word, because a lot of that vaccine information is in medical terms.  By the time I was 2 months into it, I no longer had to look them up.  And I couldn't stop reading this information.  I was obsessed with finding the truth.  

The more research I did, the more I realized that I knew nothing.
I fell down the rabbit hole.

The truth is that it would be illegal to give a vaccination to an unborn child, but it's perfectly legal to give one to an infant that was born early.  It just made my jaw drop.  The more I knew, the less I was able to ignore the truth.  My twins never got another vaccination, and our new baby is 100% vaccine-free.

Along this parenting path, I've encountered some amazing women who have put raising children into a whole new light. I knew after I had my children, after all we'd been through with them, that I could never put my hands on them to "discipline" them. My mother still to this day tells me that they "need a good spanking", in one breath, and in the next she tells me how she loves that they are so sensitive, and says it makes her want to cry when she thinks of how sweet they are. I think that after 50+ years of believing that spanking is the only way to teach children to behave, she's torn. I think she knows in her heart of hearts that no one should ever do anything to children that might damage them emotionally, but she's unable to ignore a lifetime of believing it's okay to hit them.

I think our children need to know they're safe. I think they need to be allowed to act out if that's how they're feeling. Adults do it everyday, but we expect MORE from children than we do from adults, and that is so very unfair. I think children need to know that mommy and daddy are going to protect them from pain, not inflict it. And I think children need to know that love is un-conditional. Even when they are not behaving appropriately, they need to know that they're not going to be punished, when all they really need is some guidance and patience!

Parenting is this learn-as-you-go experience. Sometimes our older children are given less than the best, but not because we love them less. Because we just don't go into this with all of the answers. I think parenting is one of those things that really never stop changing and growing...I do better now than I did then, but I'll do even better than I am right now, as time goes on. And we just can't change what has been done in the past, and that's okay. From every experience, good or bad, we learn. Sometimes we need to do wrong to see what was right, so that next time we can do better.

What I once believed, I no longer see as being what's best for my children. Mainstream was fine before I had them, and now that I have been blessed with three children I never thought I'd ever have, I see that the hippies were right all along. And, as time goes on and I'm getting a little more crunchy by the day, I know that before too long I'll be able to call myself one of them...and I'll be proud of that!

Why Spanking Isn't Good For Anyone

It's become all too clear to me lately that there are WAY too many moms that resort to spanking as a way to discipline their children.  It needs to stop.  Putting your hands on a child in an attempt to hurt them as a means of correcting their behaviour is just not acceptable. 

As much as I think Dr. Phil is kind of an ass, he has made some very valid points when it comes to disciplining children.  He said, anyone who hits someone who is 1/5 of their size, who can't fight back, is a bully.  A BULLY.  And I agree completely.  Our children look to us to guide and teach them.  Not hurt them.  The world is a scary enough place for children (never forget they're new here!), without their parents hitting them.  It's our JOB to protect our children.  It's NOT our job to hit them.  EVER.
After looking up the word "discipline" online, I've completely changed my view on the word.  It does NOT mean "teach". 

¹dis·ci·pline

noun \ˈdi-sə-plən\

Definition of DISCIPLINE

1

: punishment

2

obsolete: instruction

3

: a field of study

4

: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character

5

a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control

6

: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity

— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-n^əl\adjective

teach verb

Definition of TEACH

 

to cause to acquire knowledge or skill in some field <taught us about the basics of organic gardening>

Synonyms educate, indoctrinate, instruct, lesson, school, train, tutor

Related Words coach, mentor; drill, fit, ground, habilitate, prepare, prime, qualify; direct, guide, lead, rear; catechize, lecture, moralize, preach; implant, inculcate, instill (also instil); homeschool; edify, enlighten; brief, familiarize, impart (to), inform, verse; initiate, introduce, show; reeducate, reschool, reteach, retrain

From this day forward, I will refer to our way of parenting as "teaching", not "discipline".

There is a huge difference between teaching, and discipline/punishment.  And children do not need to be punished.  They need to be taught how to make their way in the world.  There are countless gentle ways to do this, and our children deserve that!  Even if your parents spanked you (mine sure did!), it doesn't make it right to do it to YOUR children.  Learn from your parents' mistakes.  Don't let the cycle of abuse continue.  Let it end with you.  Your children deserve better.
I have made a list of several resources that show very clearly that spanking a child is not harmless.  Your children do not learn to "behave" by being hit.  They learn that hitting is acceptable, and that when you don't get your way, someone is making you angry, or someone isn't listening to you, it's okay to hit them.  And it's SO not okay.  The world would be a better place if we treated our children the way WE wanted to be treated.


http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin7.htm
http://www.religioustolerance.org/spanking_menu.htm#stud

Studies of the effects of spanking: http://kidshealth.org/parent/question/parenting/spanking.html "Spanking can be humiliating for children, can cause anger, aggression, and resentment, can cause physical harm, and often does not teach the lesson you're trying to convey. For these reasons, experts do not recommend spanking. Other ways to discipline kids effectively include using timeouts, withholding privileges, modeling appropriate behavior, and helping kids understand the connection between actions and consequences." http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/spanking/45304.html "Spanking is a mild form of corporal punishment. The American Academy of Pediatrics (as well as many, many child development experts) strongly opposes ever striking a child. Whether or not parents believe in spanking their kids seems to be somewhat based on the time and place (in the Midwest in the '50s, spanking and much stronger physical abuse was simply an acceptable part of “child rearing”). It's also related to the education level of the parent (the more educated, the less likely they are to spank). Many parents occasionally hit their kids when they are frightened (the child has done something dangerous), or from sheer stress, frustration, or fear of having no other options." http://www.squidoo.com/no-spanking "Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. It also teaches children that it is okay to use physical violence to control other people and situations. Spanking teaches kids that it is okay to hit the people you love. Spanking teaches them nothing that will be useful or helpful in their adult lives or that will help them to communicate with other people." "Our children deserve the best ...they deserve parents that have learned creative ways to teach and discipline without resorting to corporal punishment. They deserve parents with a more peaceful approach to discipline." http://www.nospank.net/stang2.htm Eight Dangerous Myths About Spanking By Debra L. Stang, LCSW http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/hp-ps/dca-dea/publications/spanking-fessee/index-eng.php Public Health Agency Of Canada  (Government site.) "Spanking is not an effective form of discipline, even though some people may think it is. The American Academy of Pediatrics "recommends that parents be encouraged and assisted in the development of methods other than spanking for managing undesired behavior. Never spank! It simply doesn't work - for the child or the parent." http://www.toronto.ca/health/children/discipline.htm "Spanking is hitting. Spanking is meant to cause pain to control a child's behaviour. When you're stressed and angry, spanking may seem like a quick way to stop misbehaviour – but it doesn't work. Spanking may cause your child to fear you and stop trusting you. Anger, resentment and shame can build up in your child, and this can hurt your relationship. These bad feelings can also hurt your child's self-esteem and ability to have healthy relationships with others." http://www.cbc.ca/news/story/2010/04/12/con-child-spanking.html "Children who are spanked when they are three years old are more likely to have screaming tantrums, get into fights, hurt animals and refuse to share by the time they are five, a new study in the medical journal Pediatrics suggests. The seven-year study followed nearly 2,500 parents. More than half reported spanking their children, and 26.5 per cent spanked their children more than twice a month. Those who used corporal punishment more than doubled the risk their children would become aggressive, according to social work and public health researchers at Tulane University in New Orleans, the State University of New York at Albany and Wayne State University in Detroit. Even children who were spanked fewer than two times a month had a 40 per cent chance of becoming aggressive by the time they turned five."

How Spanking Feels: Images and Words from Children Ten Reasons Not To Hit Your Child http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/tenreasons.html http://www.livescience.com/7895-children-spanked-iqs.html Children who get spanked have lower IQs (study researcher Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire.) "Straus and his colleague Mallie Paschall of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation in Maryland studied nationally representative samples of two age groups: 806 children ages 2 to 4, and 704 ages 5 to 9. The researchers tested the kids' IQs initially and then four years later. Both groups of kids got smarter after four years. But the 2- to 4-year-olds who were spanked scored 5 points lower on the IQ test than those not spanked. For children ages 5 to 9, the spanked ones scored on average 2.8 points lower than their unspanked counterparts. The results, he said, were statistically significant. And they held even after accounting for parental education, income, cognitive stimulation by parents and other factors that could affect children's mental abilities." http://www.stopspanking.com/articles.html The 13 Ways Spanking Harms Children By Michael J. Marshall, P.h.D. "Think a little spanking won't do much harm to kids? New research says the effects can be long-lasting. Experts say "popping" kids can do more harm than good. A new study of more than 2,500 toddlers from low-income families found that spanking may have detrimental effects on behavior and mental development. "We're talking about infants and toddlers, and I think that just, cognitively, they just don't understand enough about right or wrong or punishment to benefit from being spanked," said Lisa Berlin, the study's lead author and research scientist at the Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University. Berlin and colleagues found that children who were spanked as 1-year-olds tended to behave more aggressively at age 2, and did not perform as well as other children on a test measuring thinking skills at age 3. The study is published in the journal Child Development." Make spanking kids illegal: Corporal punishment leads to problems later in life "Moreover, research clearly shows that spanking has a serious cost. It tends to weaken the tie between children and parents and increase the probability that the child will hit other children - and the probability that the child, when grown, will hit a dating or marital partner. There is more than 90% agreement on these and other side effects, which have been found in more than 100 studies. There is probably no other aspect of parenting and child behavior in which results are so consistent." WHAT SPANKING DOES FOR KIDS http://www.nospank.net/hyman2.htm "Even the researchers in favor of spanking admitted that noncorporal punishment methods of discipline have been shown to be effective with children of all ages, and that prevention of misbehavior should be stressed, that excessive spanking is one of many risk factors for poor outcomes in the lives of children, and that parents should never spank in anger. This may be an oxymoron, since studies of spankers and spankees indicate that some level of anger is almost always associated with spankings. Finally, the group rejected spanking and paddling in schools. " "Frequent and harsh spanking is consistently found to be present in the lives of boys who are aggressive and disobedient, who lie, cheat, are destructive with their own and others' belongings, and who associate with friends prone to delinquency." "Frequent and harsh spankings can cause young children to bottle up their feelings of fear, anger, and hostility. In later life these children are unusually prone to suicidal thoughts, suicide, and depression." "Despite the age or gender of the child, the family's social class or ethnicity, whether the child was hit frequently or rarely, severely or mildly, whether there were high or low levels of interaction and affection in the home, and regardless of the degree to which specific situational variables may have mitigated the effects of the punishment, spanking consistently contributes to lowered self-esteem." Read more HERE. I could post for hours about this.  There are so many studies out there that have shown that spanking is detrimental to children.  I think a pretty good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't do it to an adult, don't do it to a child.  Just because you're bigger than they are, it doesn't give you the right to hurt them.  (Even if you don't think it hurt you.)  We know more now.  We know better.  So DO BETTER.

Spanking...It hurts more than you think.

How is it that people need to be told this?!

http://www.toronto.ca/health/children/discipline.htm

The problem with spanking Reasons not to spank Why discipline works Use discipline to encourage good behaviour Use discipline when your child misbehaves Remember Making it work Brochure, Posters & "Take 1" Information Sheet Media Links for more parenting information The problem with spanking Spanking is hitting. Spanking is meant to cause pain to control a child's behaviour. When you're stressed and angry, spanking may seem like a quick way to stop misbehaviour – but it doesn't work. Spanking may cause your child to fear you and stop trusting you. Anger, resentment and shame can build up in your child, and this can hurt your relationship. These bad feelings can also hurt your child's self-esteem and ability to have healthy relationships with others. Reasons not to spank Spanking is hitting, and hitting hurts physically, emotionally and socially. Hitting people is wrong - and children are people, too. Children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive. This can lead to other problems, like bullying. Spanking can result in fear, not respect. A child who fears a parent may learn to hide behaviour and lie rather than trust that parent to guide and teach. Spanking may get a quick reaction, but next time you may end up hitting harder. And when you're angry and stressed, it's easy to injure your child. Spanking doesn't teach the right lesson. It shows a child that hitting is a way to solve problems. You may be saying to yourself, "I was spanked and I turned out okay." It could be that you turned out okay in spite of being spanked, not because you were spanked. In the past, parents did the best they could with what they knew. Today, we know a lot more about how children develop. That's why more and more parents are choosing not to spank. Why discipline works All children need discipline. It teaches self-control, responsibility and acceptable behaviour. Unlike spanking, which uses pain, fear and shame, discipline means teaching, guiding and nurturing. Discipline doesn't mean your child gets away with misbehaving. Discipline puts rules and limits in place early in life to give children guidance. It takes patience and commitment, but the rewards are worth it. Some children are not able to do what you want because of their age or stage of development. A toddler, for example, wants to touch everything. This is a normal part of development. It is not "bad" behaviour. Understanding how a child develops will help you choose the best way to discipline as your child grows. Remember that all children are different. What works with one child may not work with another. Use discipline to encourage good behaviour You are the best role model your child has. Show your child how to solve problems in a peaceful way. Make a few simple rules that are fair and reasonable for your child's age. Make sure children know what is expected of them so it's easier for them to cooperate. Be consistent. Make routines and stick to them, especially at bedtime and mealtimes. Your child is more likely to misbehave when tired, hungry or over-excited. Listen and try to understand your child's point of view. Help your child to talk about feelings like anger and sadness. Let your child know that it's okay to cry. When your child is having fun, it's hard to stop. Give your child time to end the activity. Children can get bored easily, so plan ahead for outings. For example, distract your child with a toy or play a game while waiting in line. Allowing children to make simple decisions makes them feel good, and it teaches them how to solve problems. Offer choices like, "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" Children don't always understand dangerous situations. Supervise your child and explain the dangers as often as possible. Be part of the solution. Encourage your child to come to you with problems and figure them out together. Praise your child when rules are obeyed and be patient when they are broken. Learning is a process and it won't happen overnight. Remember, you can never give too many hugs. Disciplining your child takes time and patience, but it can make parenting easier and more rewarding. Your relationship with your child will grow stronger and your child will learn important skills. Use discipline when your child misbehaves Your child knows the rules. You've reminded gently, but nothing seems to be working. So, what do you do next? Choosing to discipline rather than spank is still the best way of getting through to your child. Testing the limits is natural and part of growing up. Teaching your child how to behave is up to you. Don't let your anger get the better of you. Take a minute to cool off. When you are calm, find out why your child misbehaved. Talk it out. Listen. Let your child know why you are upset. Be careful what you say - mean words can hurt your child. Use consequences that make sense with your child's actions and age. For example, if your four-year-old throws a toy, take away the toy for a short time. Turn a tough situation into a game. A child who refuses to put away the toys is more likely to do it if you make it fun. Children also learn through play. Your child will have bad days just like you. Hugs and staying calm help your child get through tantrums and tears. Ignore minor misbehaviour. Ask yourself, "How important is it to respond?" Ignoring often works to stop unwanted behaviour. Most importantly, let your child know that, while you aren't happy with misbehaviour, your love will never go away. Parenting is tough work, but it should never hurt. Remember Babies can do no wrong. They need love and attention. They should never be shaken or hit in any way. Be patient with toddlers. Everything is new to them and they have short memories. Gently remind them of the rules when they forget. Making it work Your child will be happy and healthy if you are happy and healthy. When things get to be too much for you, take some time for yourself. Go for a walk, take a bath or call a friend. If that doesn't work, there are ways to get help. Relatives and friends, other parents and family resource programs can all help. So can we. Get in Touch with us: Toronto Health Connection 416-338-7600 or call Parent Help Line 1-888-603-9100 (24 hrs)