Things That Piss Me Off...Butthurts

Please stop it.

Oh, the dramaz...  I have a whole list of things that piss me off, but after the dramazzzz that I've had to deal with on the page wall (I posted that link to the page, but removed the bullcrap), I'm going to address one of my least favorite things.  Butthurts. 

Don't know what that means?  Oh, let me explain it.  It's when someone gets all bent out of shape over something that was not in fact even directed at them, and they lash out like a nut.  (Such as my putting up a post about yelling being abuse, and then someone getting all cranky because they internalized it, and felt "attacked" by it...even though I don't even KNOW THEM in real life, so could not POSSIBLY know what's going on in their home.)  It's pretty impossible for me to write posts about people I don't know...but this person got all upset about it anyway...even though it was that person who stepped forward on their own accord, and said openly that they "regularly yell" at their 4 year old son, and if they hadn't, no one would have even known.  (Well, maybe the neighbors...but I'd never have known.  And neither would have 600+ other people on the page wall.)

I guess if I was openly admitting to disrespecting someone that looks up to me and saying that I don't want to change my bad behavior, I'd probably get mad about someone telling me that I was not doing what's best for my child too.  No one wants to be told that their behavior is inappropriate, even when it is.  And I'm sure that finding out that what I was doing was actually abusive would probably piss me right off.  (Since if I was this kind of person, clearly anger is my go-to emotion.)

Here is a definition from the Urban Dictionary for "Butthurt":

ButtHurt

An inappropriately strong negative emotional response from a perceived personal insult. Characterized by strong feelings of shame. Frequently associated with a cessation of communication and overt hostility towards the "aggressor."

I learned to swallow my pride a long time ago...not long after having children. Before I had kids, I had all the answers.  (Well, I sure thought I did.)  Then I had twins and realized that I didn't.  Infact, I didn't even know all the questions!  So as I've walked this parenting journey, I've come to find out that sometimes what I thought was right; what I thought was best, was actually NOT what was right or best at all.  And if you know me, you'd know that I'd never intentionally do anything wrong (especially when it comes to my kids).  I'm one of those people that have to know everything there is to know, because the idea that I might not do a part of this parenting thing the best possible way is just terrifying to me.  I only get one shot at this.  I can't go back and have them re-live their childhood again, so it needs to be done right the first time.  But even I, the overly anal one, have made mistakes along the way!  And the reason it just freakin' irritates me so bad when someone stands and fight for their right to do something that has been proven NOT to be the best for ANY child, is because before I was able to put my own ego aside, it used to be me.

Once upon a time, I used to think that it was just fine to give my daughter formula, and I fought like a crazy person with these "thoughtless, judgmental bitches" who told me I was wrong.  They had a lot of NERVE saying that I was giving her poison, and that it was only one step above feeding her nothing.  (They were bitches when they said that I loved my breastfed son more than her because I gave her formula, though.  I'd still like to kick them in the neck for that one.)  But overall, when it came to the facts of formula, they were right.

It was only after I was able to grow the hell up and let go of my stupid ego that I actually did some real research.  And do you know what I found out?  I was wrong all along.
It made me cry.  A lot.
It still hurts knowing that I didn't do the very best for my daughter (even if I thought I was at the time), and she is such a wonderful gift...she deserved better.  If I knew more, I could have done better for her.  But there's no going back now.  There's nothing I can do to change the past...so I have made sure that the future would be different.  Even though my feelings were hurt by the truth, it remained the truth just the same.

This blog is about KNOWING better and then DOING better.  Not knowing better and ignoring the facts because pride depends on defending mistakes.  There's probably a blog out there like that, but it's not this one.  

I want to say, I'm not going to stop posting information on my blog...MY blog...that I think is important.  I'm not going to change my opinion on what does and does not constitute abuse, either.

There are facts, and there are opinions, and it is a FACT that yelling at children (more than once in a blue moon) is ABUSIVE.  I'm not going to sugar-coat the truth.  I'm not going to crap rainbows because someone can't handle the truth.  I have never been able to talk to adults like they're children, because they AREN'T.  I just assume that an adult is able to be spoken to like they're an adult, and can handle that.  Apparently it's not always the case, but I STILL can't talk to adults like their children.  And crapping rainbows sounds painful, so I won't be doing that anytime soon either.

2.0 WHAT IS ABUSE?  (taken from HERE)
definition, meaning, explanation, types, categories

Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or verbal; it is intimidation or manipulation of another person or an intrusion into another's psyche; the purpose is to control another person. It is generally a long term pattern of behavior although specific short term interactions can be labeled abusive. Recently the following categories have been included in definitions of abusive behavior: social, economic, intellectual andspiritual. With child abuse neglect is also an important component.

Abuse cuts across all social categories and classes. It occurs in well educated high income areas and in low income working class areas; it happens in all races and religions. It can occur in families, extended families, in neighborhoods, schools, churches, and community groups. Both men and women can be abusive and it can occur in virtually all age groups. The old can abuse the young and the young the old. While standards are different in various cultures, it occurs in virtually all countries as well.

Because it is often learned at an early age, it can be passed from generation to generation like a family disease. This is called theintergenerational cycle of abuse.

Abuse tends to happen to people in a weaker position or to those who are willing to be accommodating. Thus a stronger brother will abuse a weaker brother; an agreeable and supportive wife may be abused by her uncompromising husband; a teacher may pick on a student who is having learning problems; a spoiled teenage boy may manipulate a parent in an abusive manner.

This site, AbusiveLove.com, is primarily about verbal abuse although it discusses other abusive behaviors as well. It concentrates on verbal because most abusive behavior includes verbal elements and because words and tone of voice can be indentified and changed more easily than other kinds. Attacking and changing abusive verbal behavior will go a long way to preventing other abusive problems.  (Bold and underline put in by ME.)

I found the following HERE, and I could not love it MORE:

KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS  A child has the right to live without being sexually molested, sexually harassed, or used in any way. A child has the right to live in a safe environment.  A child has the right to have a parent(s) or guardian(s) who care(s) about him/her. A child has the right to live without physical or verbal abuse, including criticism and yelling. A child has the right to eat three meals a day, wear clean, warm clothing, and have a roof over his head. A child has the right to privacy as soon as he/she requests it. A child has the right to an education (with or without a home, birth certificate, or immunizations) where he/she will be treated as equal to his peers and respected by adults, without verbal or physical abuse from adults or peers. A child has the right to ask questions so she/he can learn about the world. A child has the right to be disciplined without violence. A child has the right to be included in a group no matter what his race, religion, or handicap.

No society will ever rise higher than its weakest, smallest members.  Unless they are lifted too, they will pull society down.  -Kidsread

HOW TO KEEP DISCIPLINE WITHOUT YELLING OR SCREAMING

NO  YELLING AT HOME (You decide what works for you)
Yelling in the home is okay if, a) a train has crashed into your living room, b) your children have turned into werewolves, or c) scary aliens have landed on your roof. 
Let's face it.  There is never going to be absolute quiet for long periods of time in a home with happy children (although some children are more calm and quiet than others).  If you are one of those people who requires absolute quiet and you have children, then it's time to have earplugs surgically implanted in your ears.  A certain amount of tolerance is necessary, and a certain amount of facing reality, but when you get to the point that you are becoming irritable don't yell, try one of the following:

• One Mom who needed peace and quiet taped a sign on a tank vacuum cleaner that said, "Noise Eating Machine."  She turned it on and tapped each kid gently on the head, pretending she was vacuuming up the noise."  After they were quiet they all got a cookie.  Soon the kids were also playing the game.
• Make a rule about "indoor voices" and "outdoor voices."  Indoor voices are normal sound levels.  Outdoor voices can include shouting if it is for playing, not fighting.
• When using the phone and you can't hear, raise your hand high and then point to the phone, or with a portable phone wave bye-bye, point to the phone, and walk out of the room.  Use exaggerated facial expressions of mock dismay, or pretend crying.  
• If kids are in the habit of shouting to get your attention tell them, "I can't answer until you use a normal voice."
• If they shout from upstairs while you are downstairs tell them, "I'm down here and I can't hear you."  They'll come down and say, "then how did you know I was talking?"  You say, "I didn't, I thought it was a lion roaring."
• Tell them, "As soon as it's quiet I can tell you what we're going to do."
• When serving food or treats say, "The quietest kids get theirs first."
• Take the kids to the park, or send them outside to play (in rural suburbs first check for snakes, scorpions, or other danger).

HERE is another wonderful article on yelling at children BEING ABUSE, from Livestrong.com.  Below is a section of the article.

"Growing up in an environment filled with loud voices can cripple your mental health. Consider that "good" things are rarely shouted, while negative, soul-crushing epithets are lifted to the heavens. A child has no choice but to hear because he has no escape. He cannot hail a cab or hop a bus away from home. This captive victim instead stays for years as the long-term effects of yelling shape his mind."

HERE is yet another one, found in the NY Times.   A little bit of the article is below.

"Researchers are trying to codify the definition of emotional abuse while, at the same time, understanding more about its effects. A study in the July 2001 issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry that compared 49 subjects with depersonalization disorder with 26 emotionally healthy subjects, found that emotional abuse was the most significant predictor of mental illness, more so than sexual and physical abuse."

Now, to those who feel like their yelling is "normal", or "not abuse", I say this; Would you allow another person to speak to your child the way you do? Would you allow someone to speak to YOU the way you speak to your child? If the answer is no, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you feel that you have the right to speak to your child that way, and what is it that you hope to gain from talking to them like that?  

In the end, what I really wanted to get across is that YES, screaming at your kids IS ABUSE, whether this fact hurts your feelings or not. Facts are facts.

If you yell TO your child, or OVER the voices of your other children, THAT is not the same as yelling AT your child.  And yelling at them once ever, because you're afraid (like if they run into a busy street), is different than yelling at them because you "lost patience after nicely telling them something 50 times", and that's happening on a regular basis.  Yelling to get away from the stove is not the same as yelling out of frustration.  There is a huge difference between constantly yelling at your child, and yelling because you just don't have those awesome go-go-Gadget-arms, or the ability to fly.  (Did I just date myself there with that Inspector Gadget reference?)

Our children are smaller than we are (atleast for a while).  Their inability to fight back is not an excuse to mistreat them.  Its all the more reason to treat them well.  They need to be protected, not taken advantage of.  Respect is not gained by inflicting fear.  It's earned.  Give respect, get respect.


In closing, I don't appreciate it when someone gets all crabby because I can show proof that constantly yelling at children is abusive.  If anyone wants to defend their yelling, tell it to someone else because I don't want to hear it.  There's nothing anyone is ever going to say that is going to suddenly make me see that side as right, and no matter what I'm never going to wake up and say "Oh, you are so right.  Yelling at kids is just fine...despite the proof otherwise.  I think I'll go home and scream at mine right now.  I sure don't want to raise brats.  Eff respect, they need fear! Mmwooohahahahahaha!"
Yeah.  Not gonna happen.
 

No society will ever rise higher than its weakest, smallest members. Unless they are lifted too, they will pull society down. -Kidsread

And for the record:

Just sayin'.

LOL  Have a good one.  ; )

Constant Yelling Can Be Just As Harmful to Children as Physical Abuse

I'm sure this information is no surprise to most of us, but for those that think it's just fine to SCREAM at your kids all the damned time, here's some information for you.


Taken from HERE. 

What does the research show?

Most parents, even the most patient ones, lose their temper and yell at their children. According to a 2003 study published in The Journal of Marriage and Family, 88 percent of the 991 families interviewed admitted shouting, yelling or screaming at their children in the previous year. That percentage jumped to 98 percent in families with 7-year-old children.

While occasional yelling is common in American families, parents who constantly yell at their children are subjecting their children to emotional abuse that researchers say can be as harmful as physical abuse. A 2001 study in the American Journal of Psychiatry involving 49 people with depersonalization disorder (a mental disorder in which a person has a feeling of detachment or estrangement from one’s self) and 26 emotionally healthy people, found that yelling and other forms of emotional abuse was a more significant predictor of mental illness than sexual and physical abuse.

Besides being potentially harmful if overused, yelling is often ineffective. “Children can become immune to being yelled at and start to tune it out,” according to psychologist Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D., of Drexel University. Dr. Shure’s research shows that parents whose only way of disciplining their children is by yelling, demanding or commanding have children that at age four or five are more likely to display physical or verbal aggression, social withdrawal, and a lack of positive/prosocial behaviors, such as sharing and empathy. She says instead of yelling, which makes children feel angry and frustrated, parents should use a problem-solving approach in which children are taught to think about their own and others’ feelings. For example, if your children will not pick up their toys, ask them to think of how you feel when they won’t pick up the toys. Then ask them to think of something they can do so you won’t feel that way. This approach can have large and long-lasting effects on children's behavior (see http://www.psychologymatters.org/shure.html andhttp://www.thinkingchild.com).

How do these findings relate to ACT?

The ACT program recommends that the best way for parents to prevent negative behaviors in their children is to support positive behaviors. Parents may be less tempted to yell at their children if they talk to their children about simple rules about behavior, and then put them into action. After setting up the rules, parents can guide children using some of the following approaches:

• Let children know what you expect, with simple statements. “Please put away your toys right now.”
• Give warnings and reminders, without threats. “When you put away your toys, then you can go outside with your friends.”
• Tell a child what to do rather than what not to do. “Please use a soft voice,” instead of “Stop yelling!”
• Follow through with praise for following instructions or consequences for disobeying.

It is normal for adults to get angry; but it is important to learn to recognize angry feelings and to learn and practice positive ways of dealing with them. For specific anger-management steps, read the ACT handout: "Helping Adults Manage Their Angry Feelings" (http://www.actagainstviolence.org/materials/handouts/FamilyAM1.pdf).

Citations:

Simeon, D., Guralnik, O., Schmeidler, J., Sirof, B., & Knutelska, M. (2001). The role of childhood interpersonal trauma in depersonalization disorder.American Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 158, pp. 1027-1033.

Straus, M.A., & Field, C.J. (2003). Psychological aggression by American parents: National data on prevalence, chronicity, and severity. Journal of Marriage & Family, Vol. 65, pp. 795-808.

Shure, M.B. (2005). Thinking Parent, thinking child. New York: McGraw-Hill.

If you can't handle your kids without yelling at them all the time, it's YOU who needs to change.  They are CHILDREN, and they get ONE childhood.  You get ONE chance to do this right.  If you can't do it the way it needs to be done, admit it, and seek help.  Please.

Your children deserve the very best life.  Living in fear is no way to live.

**And to those who are all butthurt about this article that states that screaming at children regularly is abuse, I suggest you read THIS post, and perhaps grow up and move on.  Obsessing over this one post makes you look crazy.  Bye bye now!**

The Effects of Emotional Abuse on Children

Emotional Abuse in Committed Relationships: Effects on Children

What is the most profound form of child abuse?

Published on January 28, 2011 by Steven Stosny in Anger in the Age of Entitlement

Families do not interact predominantly by language. That might surprise you, until you consider that humans bonded in extended families for millennia before we had language. Even today, the most sensitive communications that can have far-reaching consequences on our lives occur betweenparents and infants through tone of voice, facial expressions, touch, smell, and body posture, not language.

Though less obvious than interactions with young children, most exchanges with older children and between intimate partners also occur within an unconscious process of emotional attunement. Without realizing it, we tune our emotions to the people we love. That's how you can come home in one mood, find your partner or children in a different mood and, bam! - all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you're in their mood. Quite unconsciously, you automatically react to each other.

Emotional attunement, like most emotional processes, is negatively biased. Probably because negative emotions are more important for immediate survival - giving us the instant capability to avoid snakes in the grass and fend off saber tooth tigers - they gained priority processing in the primitivebrain and continue to have undue influence in modern times. To keep from being "brought down" by the other's negative mood, many families attempt to dull their sensitivity to the emotional world of one another. This puts them squarely on the road to dissolution, as it stenches the lifeblood of relationships -- compassion and appreciation -- both of which require openness to attunement. Due to the automatic process of emotional attunement, children are painfully reactive to a walking-on-eggshells atmosphere between parents, even if they never hear them say a harsh word to one another.

Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family loses some degree of dignity and autonomy. It seems that you become unable to decide your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, because you are living in a defensive-reactive pattern that runs largely on automatic pilot. In my experience of treating nearly 6,000 family members who walk on eggshells, no fewer than half suffer from clinical anxiety and/or depression.

"Clinical" doesn't mean feeling down or blue or worried; it means that symptoms interfere with normal functioning. They can't sleep, concentrate, or work as efficiently, and can't enjoy themselves without abusing a substance.

Most children in families that walk on eggshells do not feel as good about themselves as other kids. Test this for yourself. Try asking children to describe their peers. If there is emotional abuse between the parents, they are likely to describe peers in superior terms - smarter, better looking, better athletes, or more popular.

The most common symptom of children in families who walk on eggshells is depression. But the signs can fool you; childhood depression often looks different from the weeping, withdrawn, or sullen demeanor of the adult version. Childhood depression can resemble chronic boredom. Children normally have high levels of interest, enjoyment, and excitement. If your child is not interested in the things in which children are normally interested, lacks enthusiasm, and is seldom excited, he or she is probably depressed.

Another common symptom of these children is anxiety, particularly worry about things that children do not normally worry about, like how their parents are going to get through the evening with each other or whether the bills will get paid. Many kids have school problems, show aggressive tendencies, hyperactivity, and either over-emotionality -- anger, excitability, or frequent crying that seem to come out of nowhere -- or the polar opposite: no emotions at all. In the latter condition, they can look like little stone children; you could slice up a puppy in front of them and they wouldn't care. They have turned off all emotion to avoid the pain of walking on eggshells.

Witnessing a parent victimized is often more psychologically damaging to children than injuries from direct child abuse. That has proven true not only in my clinical experience but in my own family as well. I have but the faintest memories of child abuse that are more physically than emotionally based - a small hole in my skull, a knocked-out front tooth, and a couple of dislocated joints. Yet I have vivid recollections of seeing my mother ignored and dismissed as well as demeaned and terrified. Observing a parent abused is the more profound form of child abuse.

********************************

The above information is something that every parent should know. It's too easy to ignore that your spouse/significant other treats you like garbage...because you think it doesn't matter. You think that because they are not HITTING you, that it's okay...it won't emotionally scar your children, and maybe it will show them that you "perserveared" when things weren't good. You may think that what you're doing is "best for the children", staying in an emotionally abusive relationship. Too many people are afraid to be alone, to raise their children alone, or to "put them through" the trauma of a divorce or separation. I hope now you'll see that even when your spouse doesn't put his hands on you, he is hurting not ONLY you, but your children as well. Our children deserve to live their lives feeling safe, secure, happy, free...not feel like the life they have could come crumbling down at any moment if they too don't walk on eggshells.

I believe that people are generally good, and that even the worst people have a potential to become the people they could and should have been all along. However, if staying in a relationship means that you are being hurt (whether emotionally, physically, or sexually), you need to get out of there. You can assess the whole situation better from the outside...when you're safe. Things you may have just lived with, thinking that was okay (or perhaps you were raised this way and felt it was normal), you can recognize as toxic, not only to you, but to those children who depend on you to keep them safe from ALL forms of abuse. Our children will live what they learn...they ARE a product of their environment. We need to let our children grow up in homes where they are allowed to feel the way children deserve to feel, and see their parents being good to one another.

Please, never forget that they see everything. They're like little ninjas...they see and hear things that we don't know they see or hear. So let them see and hear good things. What they see growing up is how they are going to view the world, and how they are going to expect their lives to be when they are grown themselves. Your daughters will act the way they see their mother act, and expect to be treated the way they see her treated. Your son will act the way they see their father act, and treat his women the way he sees his father treat his mother.

Even if we find it hard to stand up for ourselves, and expect to be treated kindly and lovingly by our spouse, we should be able to do it for our children...and for the adults that they are going to become.