How I Feel About Circumcision Regret

Lately I've read a lot of stories of parents regretting having their sons circumcised.  I wish I didn't have to ever read one.  Some of the things I read just bring tears to my eyes, and it hurts my heart!  These parents spent months getting ready to bring this little boy home with them, talking about how he'd grow up to be amazing...how he'd play in the NHL, or how he'd grow up to be someone who changed the world.  Dreams for their perfect little guy.

And then when he was born, and they looked at him and knew they'd been given something wonderful.

The next day as their little one looked up at them from their arms, they were asked a question they weren't prepared to answer because they had never been given all the information they needed to make a fully educated choice.  They believed the doctor when s/he listed all the "reasons" it should be done.

"It's cleaner."
"Your son will thank you for it later."
"He'll be the only one in the changeroom with foreskin.  He'll be laughed at."
"It's a useless flap of skin anyway."
"He won't even feel it.  Most don't even cry."
"It'll keep him from having UTIs now, and when he's old."
"No woman wants a man with extra skin on his penis."
"It'll stink if we don't."
"Foreskin is a lot of work and gets infected easily."
"It's better for him to have it taken off."
"He'll never remember it if you do it now."

So much bullshit.  Parents are so rarely being told the truth by the doctors about what circumcision really entails.

I really do believe that if parents knew exactly what happens behind those closed doors, we wouldn't have to read all of these horribly sad stories from fathers and mothers who wish they could turn back time and protect their sons.  

Parents are not being told of long term effects of circumcision by their doctors.  Parents are making choices on minimal information, trusting that the medical "professionals" are telling them what they need to know.  And they're being left to make a decision for their son that should never even need to be made in the first place.  You can't take back what's done, and these medical professionals are leaving the guilt and pain for the child and his parents, while lining their pockets with the blood money.

Parents aren't being told how circumcision can negatively impact the mother/child bond, or that it's quite common for a circumcised baby to refuse breastfeeding afterward.  They aren't being told how this one traumatic event could forever alter their tiny son's opinion of them, and of himself.  They aren't being told the whole story, and they're making a choice for their son that should never have been made by anyone but that boy.

I have people ask me all the time why I "care so much" about circumcision, and it's for two reasons.  First, it's because I have to speak up for the little ones who don't have a voice, and whose cries are being ignored.  People have to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves.
The second reason I do this is because of the fact that so many parents are left shattered after finding out too late what they allowed to be done to their son(s).  The guilt is intense, and forever.  Even when parents are able to understand that they did the best they could with the information they had at the time, so often they still carry the guilt of not knowing better, sooner.

I hate that there are people hurting forever for something that doesn't need to be done.  I hate that there are children being violated, and adults being lied to.  I hate that doctors aren't recognizing or acknowledging that foreskin is meant to be there, and that to cut off a functional body part makes no common sense.

To those who made the best decision they could make with the information they had at the time, and who went on to find out that the decision they made was not the one they'd have made if they knew more, I want to tell you that I'm sorry you weren't fully informed.  I am sorry that you carry guilt.  I am sorry that you even have to.

Our sons deserve better.  By not informing parents of the full and total truth, doctors are denying these boys of their right to an intact body, free of unnecessary and dangerous medical procedures.  They are allowing parents to believe half-truths and total lies, and to be left with the burden of guilt.

As the parents of intact and circumcised boys, we need to stand together and educate others.  We need to take what we know, and share it.  Knowledge is power!  Sometimes we can give parents information their doctor never gave them, and it can save their child from that trauma, and it saves those parents from knowing too late.  

We, as a whole, need to stand up and speak out.  We need to end the suffering for those little boys, and we need to make sure that guilt-baggage is a thing of the past.

I'm sick of knowing that there are people who live in pain everyday because of this.  I'm so sorry it wasn't different.

Why I Didn't Breastfeed My Baby

Over the last 2 years or so since I've had the internet (yes, I lived my whole life without it!), I've read every excuse under the sun for why people didn't breastfeed their babies.  I've read sad stories of moms who could have done so much better if given a little support.  I've also personally known mothers who have said outright that they didn't want to breastfeed their baby because they "just wanted [their own] body back", and they went into detail about how they hated being pregnant...  And then there was one, Rebecca, who boasted about how her boobs would be "perky" because her daughters had been given formula, and that those who breastfed were "jealous" of her.

It's hard not to want to shake someone who says that they "don't give a shit what anyone says" (meaning every Health Organization EVER), because "formula is just as good".

Before I knew better, there was a time that I too used formula.  I'll tell you why.

Once upon a time I had twins.  They were born at 30 weeks, and were very small and weak when they were born.  My son was less than 4 lbs, my daughter was less than 3 lbs.  My son was born with severe AOP (apnea of prematurity), and bradycardias, and was fitted with a CPAP (which was referred to as an "Aladin" in the NICU).  My daughter was born after 5 minutes without oxygen, and was immediately given a breathing tube that went in her nose and down to her lungs.  Immediately after their birth they were both taken away to the NICU.  They brought my daughter back in so I could see that she was alive, and then I didn't see them again for five hours. I was ready and able to see them, and refused to sleep until they let me, but they were "doing rounds", and I wasn't allowed to be in there until they were done.

After being taken back to my room after having them, I started pumping.  For the first 24 hours they got only IV vitamins and minerals, and then after that they got the tiny bit of colostrum I was able to pump.  Every 3 hours around the clock I pumped.  I stayed in the hospital for 3 days...a day longer than needed, but the Dr. on during that time said he would write that I needed "observation" so I could stay an extra day...so I'd have access to my twins.  Going home without them was surreal.  Not what I had imagined. Nothing was the way I thought it would be.  Leaving them there, fighting for their lives in the NICU was NOT part of my birth plan.

This was the actual sign outside the NICU my twins stayed in.

When I went home I took with me a hospital-grade pump.  And again, every 3 hours around the clock I pumped them my special milk.  We visited every single day, and I took it with me.  They were fed it through their NG tubes, and at the time it was all I could really do for them.

When they were 32 weeks (gestational age), 2 weeks actual age, I was allowed to start trying to put them to breast.  I'll never forget that first time.  My daughter had been doing sucking actions when I held her, and finally after harassing the nurses for a week, I was allowed to see if she could suck.  The nurse that helped me was amazing.  I mean, she was a wonderful blessing in my life...I wish I could have seen her more often.  She put up a screen so I could try nursing them right there at their incubators, and she helped me get them both on at the same time.  It was crazy...two very floppy babies, both trying to nurse.  Neither of them gained anything from it...they hadn't taken any milk.  But at least they tried.  They were still too small, and hadn't learned to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time.

5 weeks old.

I kept trying.  I was determined to breastfeed those babies.  I had wanted to even before they were born early, and because I knew my milk was specially made for my preemies, I was even MORE determined.  I was unstoppable.

Then I met my match.  Her name was Erin, and she was a nurse in the NICU.  During one of her shifts she was caring for my twins, and one other baby.  I asked her if I could take one of them into the nursing room and put them on my boob.  She snapped.  She told me that I was "wasting the nurses time trying to breastfeed".  She told me that I was "wasting the babies' valuable calories trying to breastfeed for 45 minutes, and they never took more than 1cc of milk."  She said that unless I wanted them to stay in the hospital for even longer, I had to "accept" that I wasn't going to be able to breastfeed them, and that I needed to "focus on pumping".  Then she handed me my son and told me to GO.

I just stood there with my mouth open.  I took my son and just wanted to cry.  We went into the nursing room, and I remember saying to him "you have to really nurse well, buddy.  You need to take more milk than you've ever taken, or I'm not going to get to do this anymore."  He took 2ccs.  My daughter took none.

After that I did what I was told.  I focused on pumping.  When they wanted to introduce a bottle, I did it.  It was a step up from their NGHaberman" bottle.

For 6 weeks they were in the NICU, and then the NPCU (progressive care unit), before they were moved into the "Care By Parent" unit of the NICU.  I got to live there with them in the hospital, and do 95% of their care for the last 16 days of their stay.  There I would pump around the clock, and feed them in their special bottles, and when the nurses were busy, I would try to put them on my boob.  I was sneaking, trying to prove them wrong.  I knew if we went home on bottles, they'd end up on formula.  Pumping every 3 hours and feeding them for 45 mins. each was exhausting.  I knew I couldn't keep it up.

This was the pump I used.  We had a love/hate relationship.  LOL
This pump was my constant companion.

All around me I saw moms being encouraged to breastfeed.  I saw babies taking 100ccs of breast milk in 20 mins., and the most my twins ever took was about 10ccs.  (And that was an accomplishment!)  Never was I really encouraged to breastfeed them.  They said I lived too far away...that I couldn't put enough time in, so I'd never be successful.

Two days before I left the hospital, I started taking Domperidone to increase my supply since there was only the EXACT amount they were taking in every feed being produced.  If that kept up, there was no way I was going to be able to make enough milk for the two of them.

We took them home at 8 1/2 weeks, after 58 days in the hospital.  Before we left the nurse in the CBP unit told me that if something happened and I was only able to make enough milk for one, that it had to be my son who got it.  He was the sicker, weaker twin...even though he was bigger.  It had always been that way, and she said he would benefit the most from my milk.

They were both still using the Haberman bottles when they were discharged, but we didn't use them at home.  I would just let them suck, pull the bottle out of their mouth to let them breathe and swallow, then put it back in.  It was normal for every feeding to take 45 mins.  I was still pumping, around the clock.  One of the lactation consultants there lived around the corner from us, and brought me a breastfeeding scale.  She said that I might never get them to gain weight, but if I wanted to try, she wanted me to know how much they were taking.  Michelle Carr was her name, and she is the only reason this story has any good in it.

For the first two weeks I worked on getting my son more on the boob, and less on the bottle.  By the time he was 12 weeks old, he could nurse at every feed and gain weight!  It took a lot of work, especially since I had no help, and my husband was working 14 hour days.  But we worked together, and he turned out to be a fantastic nurser!  I kept pumping for my daughter, and tried at least once daily to get her to nurse.

By the time I could completely focus on my daughter's breastfeeding they were about 14 weeks actual age, 4 weeks corrected.  I hadn't wanted to move onto her until my son was well established.  I thought at the time that what I was doing was the best plan of action.  Well I guess I was wrong.  By that time she was terrified of my boob.  I honestly can't say I blame her.  My boob was twice the size of her head!  The only time I could get her to actually take the boob was in the middle of the night when she was still asleep and her eyes were closed so she couldn't see it coming.  She couldn't latch properly, so it literally felt like there were razors inside of her mouth, cutting at my nipple.  I was at a loss.

I called the hospital and asked to speak to the LC that was on.  It was not Michelle.  The woman I spoke to told me that there was "no reason she shouldn't be able to nurse properly and gain weight."  She told me to go 24 hours ONLY offering her the boob, and see if when forced, she would gain weight.  She reminded me at that time that because she was a micro-preemie, that she would need to be re-admitted into the hospital again if she went two full days without gaining weight.  Then wished me luck and said goodbye.

I thought she had to know what she was talking about.  This was her JOB.  She did this every single day.  She had to know better than I did...I was new at this and only got my son breastfeeding by a stroke of luck.  So I took out all bottles, and tried putting my little girl on my boob every time she was hungry.  She didn't gain one ounce...nothing.  After 24 hours she lost a full pound.  I was horrified.  All that kept going through my mind was that she would have to go back into the hospital, and even now, almost 3 1/2 years later, that brings me to tears.  I can't even explain just how traumatizing the NICU was...that will be another post.  I don't even like thinking about it.  But the thought of my daughter having to go back to the hospital...the thought that if she went back that it was because I had failed her...I couldn't do it.  There was no way that she was going to go back there.  I couldn't let it happen.  So I did what I had to do to keep her home, and I pumped and fed her my milk in a bottle.  Defeated.

By the time the twins were a week away from being 4 months actual age, my son was very literally taking every single drop of milk I had in my breasts.  I literally could not pump or squeeze a single drop of milk out of my boob after he was done.  There was nothing there.  Nothing.  Even taking Domperidone, there was NOTHING left.  I had to put my daughter on prescription preemie formula.  That was one of the lowest moments I had ever experienced in my life.  I didn't put her on formula because I wanted to.  I did it because I had to.  I had to give my son my milk because he was sicker and weaker, and I had to feed her something!  It cost $99 a case for 6 half-sized cans.  My husband's health insurance didn't cover it, and we were never able to write it off.  She had it from 4 months old until 11 months.  My husband wasn't very impressed at the cost of the formula, so on top of knowing I had failed her, I also got to listen to him bitch about the price of the formula.  He never directed his anger toward me, but he didn't need to.  I knew that the only reason she was on it was because of me.  It was my fault.

I ended up breastfeeding my son until he was 22 months old...two months into my next pregnancy.  I had to wean him because it was considered a no-sex, high-risk pregnancy.  After two previous premature labors, we didn't want to risk it.  The Dr. said I could continue to breastfeed, but he wouldn't recommend it.  He said that it would be in my baby's best interest to stop, just to be safe.  And I was TORN.  I wanted so badly to keep going until he was two...but he was so close.  In the end I stopped.  I had to fight for this new baby in the same way I would fight for my twins.  I would do whatever it took to make sure that my baby had the best chance.  Even if I ended up feeling like a failure once again, in the end.  As I saw it then (and still do), my feelings don't matter, really.  Not when I have to choose between them and my kids.  I knew that my son would be okay if I stopped, and I couldn't guarantee that the baby would be okay if I kept going.  So I told him that boobie was all gone.  He never cried about it, but for the first two days he would come over and want it, and I would tell him it was all gone, and just hold him.  It was like he knew I couldn't handle any tears from him about it.  He has always been such a kind and loving little boy...  Again, I can't get too much more into it because it makes me want to cry.

When my new baby was born, I had her on my boob within a few minutes.  She didn't latch exactly right and I didn't even care.  She was getting milk, and that's all that mattered to me.  By the end of the first week my nipples were so sore they were bleeding.  She had literally sucked the skin from the top half of both my nipples.  (They'll never look the same!)  I had to use one boob per feed, just to give the other one a little break.  I got through it.  There was NOTHING that was going to stop me.  I didn't give a shit about how much it hurt.  I didn't care.  I was GOING to be successful this time.  NO MATTER WHAT.  I knew she had a tongue-tie, but so did my son.  I couldn't explain what the problem was, but I figured out how to nurse her without her ingesting any more of my breast tissue.

She's 11 months old now.  Only about a month and a half ago I read something that came up on my wall about lip ties.  That little girl has the most severe lip tie there is!  I had never heard of it before, so had no idea that it could happen, obviously.  That was the major difference between her and my son.  After seeing that, I checked my older daughter's mouth.  Sure enough, she too has a lip tie!!!!!  She also has a very deep palate at the top of her mouth, and a tongue tie.  I'm no longer surprised that I had problems breastfeeding her.  But knowing why it "probably" happened isn't going to change the fact that it DID happen.  I have to live with the knowledge that my precious and funny and sweet girl didn't get the same as her brother and sister.  And that's on me.

This is the baby's lip tie.

So, it's been hard for me to figure out how to write this post and get it out the way I want to get it out.  Because it kills me to hear excuses that mothers make.  I HATE excuses.  There are facts, and there are REASONS, but excuses are something people make up when they know they didn't do what they should have done.  I've heard them all.  And sometimes I want to shake people for stopping when they were doing well, because they had other priorities...but I don't want to mix them up with the women who didn't breastfeed at all, or for as long as they wanted to, for real legitimate reasons.  Sometimes they get mixed together and it's hard to distinguish them from one another.  But there are definitely two distinct groups, and I don't want to focus on the moms who chose to stop breastfeeding.  It puts me in a bad mood.

The fact is that breast milk is specially designed for each individual baby, and it's a baby's right to have it.  People say "breast is best", but in reality, when you stop beating around the bush, the truth is that "formula is NOT best".  Breastfeeding is "normal".  Formula feeding is "abnormal".  Breastfeeding provides your baby with immunities.  Formula does not

I would never say that breastfeeding moms are better moms.  Sometimes that's not the case at all.  Sometimes a mother gives her baby formula for medical reasons.  Sometimes she gives it to her baby because she doesn't see any other option.  Sometimes giving that baby formula is tearing her heart apart, but she does it because it's all she CAN do.  And you just can't know a persons reasons when you see them check "I didn't breastfeed, I used formula" on a Facebook poll.  What I think is that breastfeeding moms know that breast milk is the best choice for an infant, that she's had some support along the way, and that she's probably overcome some obstacles too.  It's not that often I hear of moms who just instinctively knew how to properly latch and feed their newborn.  The truth is that it's a learning process, just like anything else to do with raising children.  Sometimes it takes a failure to make that mother say that it will NEVER happen again.  Sometimes knowing that they're spending their lives carrying around regret is enough to push moms farther than they've ever been pushed before, and in the end they walk out victorious because they were determined, though hell or high water, they were never going to let themselves have to carry another regret with them through their lives.

My baby girl will be breastfed to a minimum of two years, and hopefully long after that.  I am one of those mothers, and I will never ever carry the regret of unsuccessful breastfeeding with me again.  I will never allow it to happen, because having to explain to my older daughter why she was never breastfed is something I dread, something that hurts my soul to think about.

I had a friend send me an email with a link to a story that had me in tears.  There were just so many similarities between the story I read, and my own.  THIS IS THAT STORY.  (I literally had to stop reading three times to take some time to pull myself together.)

On my personal Facebook page I posted a poll for my own friends, just to see where my own friends stood on breastfeeding.  Below are the results of that poll.

Still Breastfeeding: 23%
No breastfeeding, just formula:  4%
Pumped Milk, no breastfeeding:  1.5%
Less than 6 weeks:  .75% (1 vote)
More than 6 weeks, less than 6 months:  5%
More than 6 months, less than a year:  3%
1 year:  5%
More than a year:  13%
More than 2 years:  8%
More than 3 years:  12%

5 years+ : .75 % (1 vote)

Now, that doesn't add up to 100%, but I'm not going to count "not long enough" votes.  I was looking for a time-frame, not trying to make people feel bad.  (And some of those people checked more than one option, so I just did the math based on 132 votes.)

I really wanted to try to word it so that no one felt like they had to justify their reasons to me.  Of course there are people who felt they needed to explain themselves to me...and that's kind of upsetting.  Many of them haven't breastfed in 20+ years, and they are STILL carrying around the feelings that they didn't do enough.  I'm not sure who's standards they're trying to meet...  And it made me feel like more than anything, breastfeeding has become a contest.  Who can go the longest...and if you aren't the winner, you need to justify why you didn't go as long as someone else.  I breastfed my son for 22 months, and I'm by no means the "winner", but the moms that didn't breastfeed as long as I did felt like they needed to explain themselves to me...why they couldn't go as long as I did.  It made me sad!  I think every single drop of breast milk counts.  I think that we need to climb down off of our high-horse and stop making this a competition.  I think that we need to understand that what we know today is different than what we knew a generation ago, and I'm sure our kids will know more than we do.  Of course babies should have breast milk.  I don't think that's even something that needs to be said...at least it shouldn't have to be.  But maybe if we had less women feeling like they're superior because they breastfed for X amount of time, other women who may have used formula would attempt breastfeeding.  I can't even imagine how scary it is to look at the numbers and think that if you don't make it that far, someone is going to tell you that you didn't try hard enough.

So, the point I'm trying to make is that sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to when we're raising our children.  Sometimes we do what we have to do, or at least what we think we have to do, to get them through.  And sometimes we end up carrying around some regret because of the choices we've made for them.  I wish things were different when it came to breastfeeding my older daughter.  I wish I could go back in time and change it.  I wish that in the very least I could have known about milk donors, so she could have gotten breast milk, even if it wasn't my own.  I wish she could have lived her whole life without ever having formula.  But I can't go back and change things now.  So, it's a cross I bare, and I'm going to have to know that she was given less than the very best.  It makes me sad, and because of my regret I will never ever let it happen again.  Seeing her in her incubator in that operating room was the second my life changed forever, and she has been nothing short of a pleasure to raise.  She is the sweetest, most wonderful, funniest little girl I've ever known in my life, and I love her with all of my heart.  She deserved better.  But I can't change the past.  So all I can do is make sure that for the rest of her life I never ever let her get anything less than the very best ever again.

A very sweet friend of mine (the one who sent me the link) said something that really hit home for me.  Sometimes breastfeeding "excuses" are not at all "excuses".  They are real barriers that women could not overcome...at least not at that time.

And so I'm going to ask something of anyone who's made it this far into this very long post.  If you see a mother feeding her infant formula, instead of shooting her that glare that breastfeeding mothers seem to feel entitled to give, instead remember that you do not know her story.  You don't know if she had support.  You don't know if that baby she's feeding was born early and out of fear, she fed it formula.  You don't know if she was given bad advice from a doctor she thought she could trust.  You can't tell by looking at someone if they are taking anti-seizure medications that are not safe for her infant.  You just don't know.  So please, please don't assume that she's more concerned with going out and partying than breastfeeding, or that she cares more about the "perky-ness" of her breasts than she does about giving her baby her breast milk.  Instead, perhaps when you know of a friend who is going to be having a baby, offer to help her breastfeed.  Offer her some information, and give her the support that she needs.  Sometimes all we need is one person on our side, helping us through it.  Sometimes our own lack of knowledge and experience can be what drags us down, and if we had someone who did have some real experience helping us out and cheering us on, we could succeed too.  Because no one wants to carry around regret.  And no one wants to feed their baby the only way they thought they could, and have other mothers glare at them.  Some of us feel bad enough as it is.

A Mother’s Tale Of Regret; Educates Pregnant Friend

Posted on August 14, 2011, on 4eric
Published with permission.

Dear friend,

I have started to write this to you several times but I have always deleted it and pushed it aside from my thoughts because I am so torn on whether or not to speak out to you. I am torn because I don’t ever want anyone to feel like I am telling them how to raise their children or what they ‘should’ do, but on the other hand I never want another mother to live through what I have lived through or carry the guilt that I do. I know you are expecting a beautiful and healthy, precious baby boy. Along with welcoming this new human being to the world, you and your partner hold the decision of whether you will circumcise him or leave him intact (un-circumcised). I do apologize that this will be lengthy, but when it comes to a decision that will affect your child for the rest of his life taking a little time to do some research is not a lot to ask. I wish someone had told me to just do my OWN research before making a decision.

As you know, I have two boys. They are both circumcised. Is this something I regret? Yes, it is. Mason was born healthy and happy, one week early at a whopping 8lbs and 4oz. He nursed wonderfully! He took to it right out of the womb and I was so happy to see him being nourished from my body. Day two of his life came and it was time to have him cut. I didn’t really give it a second thought, my husband is circumcised and so are several other men that I know and they’ve never had an issue with it. So to me it was not that big of a deal. However, something within me rose up and I began to sob and yearn to hold my baby boy tight and kick anyone’s ass that came near him. It’s amazing how fast your protective motherly instincts kick in and also depressing at how quickly we are told to ignore them. “Don’t cry, it’s not a big deal. He will be fine” These are the reassuring words that my nurse left me with as she carried off my perfect son.

I cried so hard that I passed a massive clot and had to be evaluated by the nurse. Still, I allowed him to be taken and he was brought back to me asleep and wrapped in a little blanket. “He is so tired” I thought to myself “poor little guy must be worn out.”

We packed up our things, loaded the car down with stuffed animals and gifts from our family and friends and headed towards the house at an exhilarating speed of approximately 20 miles per hour—you know how new parents with a brand new baby drive. We got to the house and I tried to rouse my sleeping infant to nurse because he hadn’t eaten in almost 3 hours but he was having none of it. He did whimper a little as I tried to get him in any position that he would nurse in, but he was just too sleepy. I didn’t know at the time, but circumcision is a huge stress on a baby’s body and they go into a deep sleep after the procedure to help them try to recover.

I was beginning to worry because he hadn’t eaten in a while and I remembered the lactation consultant saying to change his diaper to wake him up a little so he would eat. So, I was off to his perfectly placed and prepared nursery to do his very first diaper change at home. When I pulled the diaper back, I was in shock. There was the head of his penis, bloody and raw with some Vaseline gauze stuck to the diaper and a small portion still stuck to his surgical site. I very gingerly pulled at the gauze and succeeded in trying to “wake him up a little.” He screamed…boy did he scream. I applied the Vaseline to his penis like I had been instructed and quickly re-diapered him. I pressed him against my chest and began to sing to him and walk around and bounce him. He calmed down and was finally alert, so I attempted to breastfeed him. As I was trying to position him and handle both his floppy head and my engorged boob (which takes some practice at first, so don’t get frustrated) he began to scream again and he would not nurse AT ALL.

What had happened to my perfectly nursing infant that I had held in my arms that very morning? I didn’t know at the time, but circumcision has long been known to interfere with successful initiation of breastfeeding. Often the babies are too tired to nurse and the pain they feel when held in most breastfeeding positions keeps them from wanting to nurse. No one told me that. Not a single person ever mentioned any risk to circumcision actually. I know you want to breastfeed, so I thought that was something you should be aware of.

I eventually gave up trying to get him to nurse and pumped and fed him from a bottle because I was a worried new mom and was terrified he was starving to death. This was a slippery slope to him refusing the breast at all and only wanting pumped milk from a bottle which eventually led to me supplementing with formula and then fully putting him on formula. Could a lactation consultant have helped me through this? I’m sure she could have, but I didn’t know they were available for consultation outside of the hospital.

For 12 days, I applied Vaseline at each diaper change and had to wash his but in the sink with each bowel movement — which is A LOT of times when they’re newborns– to keep feces off his wound. His penis healed nicely and he’s not had any issues with being cut. What I mean by “no issues” is that he has luckily escaped many of the all too common complications that come with circumcision. Complications that are swept under the rug and rarely discussed when consent is being retrieved for it to be done.

His younger brother, my sweet Carter, was not quite as fortunate.

When Carter was born, my experience with Mason had put me ‘on the fence’ about the issue of circumcision but I was still (unfortunately) not 100% sold on either side of the issue. My biggest fear was that he would resent me if I left him intact because he would look different from his brother and father—an issues I will address later. Plus, my whole family was pushing these ideas in my head and making me believe it was the right choice. I chose to not have him circumcised in the hospital because, while I had not really done any research into it, I knew in my heart that something about Mason’s circumcision caused us to have so many difficulties with breastfeeding. I waited instead for him to be at least 2 weeks old so our breastfeeding relationship would be better established.

When he was 16 days old, I took Carter to the pediatrician to be circumcised. I had seen 3 circumcisions performed in nursing school (all with anesthetic) but never really close up because nursing students are always shoved into the background as “shadowing observers.” In 2 of them, the babies slept for most of the procedure or sucked on a nurse’s gloved finger. The 3^rd one I saw, the baby screamed the whole time. The doctor’s hands were shaking and both I and my friend Jennifer had to leave the room. We had to leave because they made us and because we couldn’t handle hearing the baby scream any more. God, typing that is heart wrenching. I saw this incident and STILL allowed it to be done to my child against my better judgment and instincts. I can’t help but wrestle the thought in my head “what kind of monster am I?”

I signed Carter in at the desk, and the nurse came from the back to get him. I asked to go back with him and after much arguing, I was allowed to go with him. I had to sit in a chair in the corner incase I passed out. The doctor talked to me throughout the procedure and explained everything as he worked. First Carter was laid in a circumstraint where his arms and legs were tightly restrained and he was rendered immobile. This did not please my newly born baby who was accustomed to being cradled in a manner that resembled my womb and made him feel safe, so he started to cry. The nurse donned a clean glove and dipped her finger into some glucose water and he seemed pleased to suck on her sugary finger.

Next, the doctor set up his sterile field, applied his sterile gloves, and draped Carter’s penis. The doctor cleansed the whole area with a betadine solution and then said “okay let’s get started.” He drew up a local anesthetic into a syringe and explained where he was injecting it and how it made the whole foreskin and the head of the penis numb. When he injected the shot, Carter winced and let out a small cry but the nurse offered more sugar water and he returned to sucking on her finger. After several minutes and more injections, the doctor assured me that Carter was fully numb. In newborns, the foreskin is fused to the head of the penis. It retracts on its own as the child ages and hormones change. The fusion of the foreskin is actually a very protective mechanism in an infant; it keeps feces and bacteria from entering the urethra and causing infections during the diaper period of a baby’s life. However, this fusion of the foreskin presents quite an issue when the foreskin is cut off, so it has to be separated from the head of the penis before circumcision can be performed. So, the doctor shoved a pair of forceps between the foreskin and head of Carter’s penis and began opening them over and over, effectively ripping the foreskin off the head of the penis.

Next, he used a clamp to make a deep indent in the top part of the foreskin; he removed the clamp and then took a pair of surgical scissors and cut along the line he had just made with the clamp. After this, he asked the nurse what size Gomco clamp she thought my baby would need and he held it up to him and they both agreed it was a good size. The doctor put the clamp on Carter’s penis which covered the head and protected it from accidental amputation which is a risk with other devices used during circumcision—yes, partial or total amputation of the head of the penis is a risk and has happened. Then the doctor pulled the foreskin through the device and clamped it down. He then used a scalpel to make a cut all the way around the penis and this removed the foreskin completely. The clamp was left on for several minutes to help prevent any ‘excessive bleeding’. The clamp was then removed and Vaseline gauze was applied. Carter was diapered and we were sent home.

I took him home and he nursed but very lazily; he just wanted to sleep. So, we slept for a good 2.5 hours before he woke crying like he had never cried before. I realized from the blue line “wetness indicator” on his diaper that he had just peed and my heart sank. He was crying because it stung so badly. Imagine peeing on a deep cut on your thigh, it would hurt–and I knew that’s what he was feeling. I changed his diaper and again had the same sick feeling in my stomach that I had when I had seen Mason’s newly circumcised penis. I followed all the instructions for after-care to the T. I heaped on Vaseline and washed his penis and bottom when he had a bowel movement until the open wound had healed.

However, something just didn’t look quite “right” to me. His penis would draw into his body and almost be hidden. I was worried about this, but I could push the skin back and it would pop right back out like a little turtle head. I went to the pediatrician and he assured me this was normal and it was happening because he was so chubby and as he aged and slimmed out, his penis wouldn’t be able to retract into his chubby ‘fat pad.’ During his exam, he had also noticed that Carter had a slight adhesion. Meaning that even though, I had done everything correctly, he still had a circumcision complication.

The skin had re-attached to the head of his penis in a spot it shouldn’t have re-attached to and it had to be “manually separated.” This entailed Carter’s pediatrician using his fingers to rip apart the two pieces of skin that shouldn’t be together. I’ll never, until the day I die, forget what my poor baby’s face looked like. A look of shock, terror, and immense pain all rolled across one tiny, innocent face. He opened his mouth to scream and nothing would come, he gasped for air until he found his breath and wailed uncontrollably—I will take those screams to my grave. I again had to go through many days of Vaseline and bottom washing to prevent infection and keep the adhesion from re-attaching.

Carter’s now a blossoming 14 month old toddler but his penis is still somewhat buried in appearance from time to time. Usually I take his diaper off and it’s not buried, but he still has part of his foreskin. When he was about 7 months, a nurse practitioner examined him and told me he has an “incomplete circumcision.” Meaning only part of his foreskin was removed. So, essentially he went through A LOT of pain for a penis that’s still not “circumcised” and for a penis that doesn’t match his brother or his father. All three of them look different. Just like there’s not a set of women out there with matching vaginas, a son’s penis will never ‘look like his fathers’ whether he is circumcised or not. Everyone’s genitals are different, just like our hair, face, eyes, and body shape and we should embrace our bodies and our differences.

In conclusion to a very long story that was very painful for me to share, the message I am trying to spread to you is do your research. Watch some videos of infant circumcision on youtube, google “circumcision risks”, talk to men who are intact if you know any, google “functions of the foreskin”, just DON’T do like I did and make a decision based on someone else’s feelings. I’m going to attach several links to some sites that I wish so badly that I had seen before my boys were born. I will warn you that some are gruesome to look at, but if you can’t stand to look at it, think about how it would feel to endure it. I am also going to list some “myths and thoughts” on circumcision to give you some things to consider when you make your decision. No medical organization in the world recommends routine infant circumcision and there are no proven medical benefits to having it done. It is a cosmetic procedure done for purely aesthetic purposes. This is why Medicaid will no longer cover the procedure in most states, because it is not medically necessary.

If you want to talk to me more, I will gladly discuss anything with you in an open and un-judging manner. Like I said in the beginning, I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do, I’m just asking you to do something I never did and RESEARCH the issue and then make your decision. I’ll never forgive myself for what I have done and it’s a guilt I will always carry with me.

“Myths and misguided thoughts on Circumcision”

1. “It’s just a piece of skin”
-Actually it’s not ‘just a piece of skin.’ The foreskin acts in a protective manner much the way our eyelids protect our eyeballs. It covers the glans (head) of the penis keeps it lubricated and moist. In a circumcised penis, the glans is always exposed and rubs against clothing and underwear all of the man’s life-it becomes dried out and loses some sensation.

-Also, the foreskin contains 20,000 yes TWENTY THOUSAND nerve endings that are responsible for sensation and sexual pleasure. All of these are lost in circumcision. Can a circumcised man still enjoy sex? Of course he can still enjoy it, but not as fully and as intensely as he was designed by nature to experience it.

-The foreskin represents at least a third of the penile skin. It protects the glans from abrasion and contact with clothes. The foreskin also increases sexual pleasure by sliding up and down on the shaft, stimulating the glans (head) by alternately covering and exposing it. This can occur during masturbation or intercourse. Friction is minimized, and supplementary lubrication is not needed. Without the foreskin, the glans skin, which is normally a moist mucous membrane, becomes dry and thickens considerably in response to continued exposure. This change reduces its sensitivity.

2. “He’ll be made fun of in the locker room”
- Thanks to the internet and other resources, parents are finding out more and more that circumcision is not necessary and the practice is declining. In the 1980’s the U.S. circumcision rate prior to leaving the hospital was at 83%. In 2005, the number had reduced to 56% and continues to decline. Also, with the increase in the Hispanic population (a culture that does not routinely cut their boys) the number will continue to fall. So, no fear on this one, he won’t be alone. Plus I don’t know any group of young men that stand around and look at each others penises. I asked my husband “During the entire time you were in football, did you or anyone else stand around and look at each other’s penis or compare them?” His response: “That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard. No, most of us went home and took showers after practice anyway.” So, what he said was not the most politically correct statement but you get the point…

3. “It’s for hygienic reasons”
-Numerous medical studies have shown that simply rinsing the foreskin with water is enough to clean it and keep the man healthy. Women’s genitals have many more “nooks and crannies” than an intact penis does and we don’t routinely cut off parts of our little girls (side note: Female circumcision was LEGAL in the United States until 1995). We also teach girls to wipe front to back to prevent infections, so why can’t we just teach our boys to wash? Circumcision is also very uncommon in many parts of the world—Worldwide, 80% of men are intact. If it is such a health issue to be intact, than 80% of the world’s men must actually be doing perfectly fine or they are hiding their problems well.

4. “I don’t have a penis, so I am letting my husband/partner make the decision because he knows more about it.”
- No, you do not have a penis. However, this baby is just as much your child as he is your partner’s and circumcision is a life-long choice that needs to be discussed together and a decision made together.

5. “It’s much better to have it done when he’s a baby. He won’t feel it or remember it.”
- True, he won’t be able to remember the procedure, but that doesn’t mean he won’t have affects from it that will last his lifetime. Most circumcisions are performed with a local anesthetic but that does not mean that they are pain free.

The only way to know if a local anesthetic is working is to pinch the skin in that area with forceps or some other tool and ask the person “can you feel that?” If they can, you know you need to give more anesthetic or go to something else for pain control. So, to say the baby can not feel anything because they’re “numb” is ridiculous. Yes, they ‘could’ just be crying because they’re being forcibly held down but it’s also very feasible that they are still feeling some or all of the pain and that’s why they are screaming. Like I said, there’s no way to ask an infant “can you feel that?”

The only way to 100% guarantee a painless circumcision is to use general anesthesia and no hospital in their right mind is going to use that on an infant because it’s far too dangerous. They will use it if the baby needs emergency heart surgery or something of that sort but they will not do it for a cosmetic procedure, which they all agree that circumcision ‘is’ a cosmetic procedure.
So, the argument that it’s better to get it done when they’re small is just nonsense. It’s better to leave it alone and let the man choose. A grown man who chooses the procedure is afforded the option of general anesthesia, he gets narcotics when he goes home, and he doesn’t have to pee or poop on an open wound. A baby goes home with no pain medicine and then has to urinate and defecate multiple times on an open wound.

6. “It’s just a simple snip and it’s done”
- Circumcision is a surgery with real risks and complications including the possibility of death. There is nothing “simple” about it.

7. “It’s so much easier to clean”
- Like I explained earlier, the foreskin is fused to the penis at birth and separates over time. As an infant, the care of an intact penis is easy. Just wipe it off like a finger. As the boy ages and the foreskin is retractable, just pull it back, rinse and put it back. Easy enough.

8. “It looks prettier”
- Really? I don’t know how someone can use that as an excuse to do something painful to a baby. Plus, he may no think it looks “prettier” when he gets older and realizes all the benefits he has lost from being cut.

9. “His future partners won’t like it or will be grossed out”
- If my child meets someone who judges him based on how his penis looks than he/she is obviously not ‘the one’ for my child. We’re all different and it’s an important part of life to teach our kids not to insult or make fun of others for their differences. Plus, if my sons meet a woman of European descent, I doubt she will think it looks “better” since being intact is their norm.

10. “He will be glad I had it done when he was a baby”
- You don’t know that for sure. In fact, just the opposite could happen. There are numerous stories of men who have had botched or even “successful” circumcisions who grow up resentful of their parents choice. They feel like something was taken from them without their consent-which is true. Leaving your baby intact gives him the freedom to make choices about HIS body.

THESE LINKS ARE REFERENCES AND MATERIAL YOU CAN USE TO LEARN MORE ABOUT ROUTINE INFANT CIRCUMCISION.

http://www.circumcision.org/foreskin.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prevalence_of_circumcision#United_States

http://www.drmomma.org/2010/02/male-circumcision-in-usa-human-rights.html

http://www.drmomma.org/2010/01/cut-vs-intact-outcome-statistics.html

Make sure this video starts at the beginning; I have to fix it almost every time I watch it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrcMYq0ASB8&t=03m30s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ceht-3xu84I

A story of infection in a circumcision wound-

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/11/massive-infection-takes-over-body-after.html

A video of a circumcision showing the circumstraint and the procedure

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6584757516627632617#

Another mother’s tale of regret:

http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/2011/08/if-only.html

Circumcision and its effect on breastfeeding:

http://www.nocirc.org/statements/breastfeeding.php

Complications from circumcisions-including partial amputation of the glans (head)

http://www.noharmm.org/IDcirc.htm

http://www.parkerscheer.com/lawyer-attorney-1615566.html

The ultimate risk of circumcision:

http://www.drmomma.org/2010/05/death-from-circumcision.html

CDC Rates of circumcision

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhds/9circumcision/2007circ9_regionracetrend.pdf

Our Job Is To Protect Them!

I'm not much of a back-rubber. I speak the truth and try to say it in a way that is without judgement, but I have no ability to sugarcoat things. Facts are facts. I just say it like it is. I've always been that way. When it comes to circumcision, I have even less ability to sugarcoat the facts. I think that saying anything other than the complete truth is no better than promoting it. People NEED to know the truth. Perhaps if they knew the entire truth, all the facts, without someone saying "but you know, dear, in the end it's YOUR choice", (because it's NOT your choice...unless it's YOUR OWN penis) maybe less babies would have to go through this trauma and mutilation of something that was JUST FINE in the first place. An intact penis isn't broken, so you don't need to "fix it". Leave it alone!

Even deeper than the actual mutilation part of the whole subject is the issue of protecting our young. How someone can say that they love their child, and then pass their newborn to a nurse so he can have his foreskin ripped from the end of his penis, clamped down, and cut off...how on EARTH can that be love?! Your instinct tells you that it's wrong. Your instinct tells you to grab your son and RUN. How can anyone ignore their instinct for reasons like "it's cleaner", or "we want him to look like his daddy"?! (It's NOT cleaner, and no one is going to ask for a penis comparison to prove their relationship!)

Our job is to protect our children from harm. Our job is to get them through this life safely. We are supposed to teach them to trust and love and do good... How do we do that when the day after they're born they're whisked away, screaming for their momma, only to be strapped to a table against their will and have the most sensitive part of their body cut off for NO LOGICAL REASON?! How do we teach them to trust when right after being born they were forsaken by the one person who should be willing to die before allowing harm come to their baby? How can we teach them to love when the love they have been shown is one that allows torture for cosmetic reasons? How do we teach them to do good when we don't do good by them? Children are a product of their environment. When we hurt them, they hurt others. When we protect them, they feel safe, and in turn will go on to protect others.

What is sad is that sometimes it takes the mutilation of a once-perfect little boy for a mother to REALIZE that she perhaps shouldn't have let that happen. (Mis-information is one thing. Knowing you were doing wrong and allowing it to happen is another.)

This is a discussion where hundreds of moms post their stories of circumcision regret. It was found on Mothering.com.

The only thing that irritates me more than someone who circumcises their son even though they know the facts is someone who BRAGS about it. As though they are somehow good parents for letting someone remove a perfectly functional piece of their baby's body. I wonder if they'd also brag if it had been the eyelids that they had removed? Or if had been their daughter that had been circumcised? Somehow I have to think that anyone who is proud of tearing (, clamping, and cutting) away the choice of how their son wants his OWN penis to look, is just a straight up asshole. I bet they WOULD brag about circumcising their daughter. I feel bad for a child in that family because their parents overlook the science that clearly shows circumcision is 100% unnecessary, and allow him to be mutilated based on their own opinions. (Damned stupid science always trying to teach us things!) I will not post a link to these types of discussions because when I read them, it makes my blood BOIL. The cutters need no more promotion than they give themselves.

I will just end this by saying that there are also men who resent their parents for never giving them a choice as to whether or not they were allowed to stay intact or not. To me that is just so so sad. It wasn't something they would have chosen for themselves...and they have only their parents to thank for that. What parents are never told is that one day, when your son becomes a man, he has the right to sue you and to sue the Dr. for the violation of his human rights. What you once thought was your choice can become very much become a lawsuit.

Instinct has kept us alive this long. Don't ignore it when your gut tells you that it's wrong to allow a man to strap your infant to a board, fondle him to an erection, rip the skin from the head of his penis only then to cut it, clamp it and then cut it off completely. There are no excuses for this. Instinct has a purpose...funny...so does foreskin!