Children Deserve Better

In the last few days I've heard too many people talk about their children as though they just aren't the precious gifts that they REALLY ARE.  It irritates me.


As a mom who saw my first two children struggle to breathe...struggle to LIVE...when I witness a parent not appreciating their child, it just hurts my heart.


As you may or may not know, we bought a house.  We're going to be moving out of this rental in March some time, so the landlord has been showing our house.  It's not bad...it's a pain in the butt, but not a huge inconvenience.  I understand that he has to do it.  What I can NOT understand is the things some people say.

See, yesterday my husband was working overtime, so the kids, my BIL, and myself, were all home during the three showings the landlord had.


It went better than expected, really, considering the kids wanted to be part of all of it.  (Of course they would...these are new people in their house!)  The first couple saw that we have twins and told me that I must be an amazing mom to not only have twins, but to have gone on to have another.  I just laughed and told them we were very blessed.  (All of my children were very much planned and wanted, so I don't think I'm an amazing mom...I think I'm JUST a mom.)

That first couple had an 8 month old baby at home, they told me; their first.  So to them, this probably seems chaotic.  (To me, it's normal.)

The second family that went through were nice...at first.  It was a woman, her 2 1/2 year old daughter, and her mother.  I should mention that the older woman (the grandmother) was fabulous.  My issue was with the mother of that little girl.
As soon as she found out that we had twins (the landlord was telling them...not me), she commented on how much work they must be.  I said that I had them first, so to me, two at once was normal...and that they aren't much work at all.  (If they were, would I have had a third?!)
Her daughter immediately saw the toys and wanted to play, and I told her that if she wanted to leave the little one in the livingroom with us while she looked at the house, that would be fine.  I told her that one more would be no trouble at all, and I didn't mind.  She drug her screaming child through the house anyway.  Finally Grandma had enough of it, and brought her down.  She sat on the couch while the little girl played with the kids.  She was super cute, and THRILLED that she was finally getting to play with that mountain of toys she'd seen.  I talked to Grandma, who informed me that she'd been a nanny for years for a "Festival family" (which means a family that works at, or are in plays at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival), but the boys are in school and no longer need a nanny.  She seemed super nice, but I'm a little...Mother Bear...to leave my kids with someone just because they say they've been a nanny.  Hell, I could say I spent three years working on the MOON...it doesn't mean I did.  Right?!


Anyway I'm getting off topic.  When Mom came back downstairs to gather up Grandma and Daughter, she decided to say "I don't know how you did it with twins...I only have one, and she's too much for me sometimes."


*Blank stare*  (Me.)


I didn't even know what to say.  The fact that her daughter was standing right next to her when she said that just took me aback.  I honestly had one of those "did I just hear that?" moments.


I know that Mom probably didn't mean to come across as some kind of bitch...and I'm sure she didn't mean to say, infront of her daughter, that sometimes she's "too much".  But she did.  And she did.

It was one of those things in life that show just how easy it is to say things in front of our children that will define them...change them...make them into who they're going to be as adults.  I hope that Mom made a slip of the tongue there, and that it's not a regular occurrence.

The day before these people came through I was talking with a woman who was our neighbor once upon a time...when her three children were small.  (They're 9, 11, and 13 years old now!)
The reason she called was because I had agreed to care for her 9 year old son.  Let's call him Billy.
Billy has "special needs".  He has some anger issues, and apparently also has some extreme anxiety.  I can only assume that when he feels that need to flee and someone stops him, that's probably when the anger comes out.  Fight or flight...right?  Sounds likely to me.  (I don't know...I'm guessing.)
Anyway, Billy's mom brought him over about two days before her and I spoke on the phone.  We wanted him to get a chance to RE-meet me (since he was only about two when I last took care of him), so he would be comfortable being here for 8 or 9 hours a day, three times a week.
When they came to the door, everything was fine.  The Boy was sleeping on the couch, and the baby was in the living room (baby gates), so only myself and Ooey answered the door.  I figured that if only her and I went to the door to greet them, it wouldn't overwhelm him...which when all three of my kids are around, tend to happen to the best of people!
The mom walked in, said hello, and took her shoes off.  In that amount of time, her son (who had come in directly behind her), decided it was too much and ran out the door and locked himself in their car.
She looked at me and said "he bolted".  She came in to have a look at the house, leaving him to sit in the car.  Within about two minutes, he was knocking on the door, yelling for her to "hurry up and let's leave NOW!"
At this point my 3 year old daughter was in tears.  She wanted Billy to come in so she could see him because she "loves him", and she said "he's my best friend!"
So the mom tried to get him into the house.  She tried using guilt..."Look Billy, she's crying!  She just wants to meet you, come in!"
I told her not to...that my daughter has the right to be upset, but so does Billy.  I said that trying to force him into the house wasn't going to help anything.  I told her that I would talk to Ooie when they'd left and explain to her what was going on.
The mom put on her shoes, and left.

Okay, it could have went better, but it could have gone worse.  When she called me to talk about our arrangement, the behavior of that little boy suddenly made total sense.

She explained to me that her and her husband had separated 2 years ago, after several years of being unhappy and non-stop fighting.  She told me of the incident that ended it all for them...which took place in front of Billy.  (I'm not going to get into it, but it involved domestic violence and police removing her husband.)
She told me about how her husband has been playing mind games with the children, which they are too young to identify or understand.  And apparently, the night before Billy and his mom came over here to meet all of us, he'd been with his dad.

Dad is a real piece of work.  He told Billy that he was going to "hate it" over here...and that he'd be "surrounded by babies".  He told Billy that he was "going to have a panic attack and freak out", and that he "wouldn't be able to handle it" here.
Nice.  Thanks Steve.  You dick.  *Yep, calling that asshole an asshole.  No fake name there!*


Anyway, he wrote his son's destiny for him.  He set his son up for failure, and managed to make a little boy have a panic attack just by telling him he'd have one.  Great parenting.

My two cents on that:

CHILDREN ARE CHILDREN.  DO NOT USE THEM AS A PAWN IN YOUR MIND GAMES.  THEY DESERVE TO BE TAUGHT THAT THE WORLD IS A SAFE PLACE, AND THAT YOU'LL BE THERE TO SUPPORT THEM IF THEY STUMBLE.  YOU DON'T STAND THERE AND TELL THEM THEY'LL FALL, AND THEN SHOVE THEM.

Holy crap I'm pissed off at that guy.  Who does that?!  And this has nothing to do with being upset about not getting to take care of that boy.  Honestly, he may not have been happy here.  Our kids are years younger than him.  We don't even have things here he'd want to play with.  (And I'm kind of anti-video games.)  But the fact is that after the first day, after getting a chance to talk to him, I could have gotten him things he enjoyed.  And he could have, for the first time, been like a big brother.
But no.  Instead he's going to be watched by his dad during the times I was supposed to have him.  Lovely.  Because a man like that deserves more time with his kids...
Oh...wait...

Anyway, I was going to finish this post with just those two stories.  But I have one more.  And honestly, I don't care if this "costs" me any followers.  I'm at the end of my freakin rope here...

 


IF YOUR YOUNG (2 year old) SON PEES ON YOUR COUCH, AND YOU WATCH YOUR HUSBAND RUB HIS FACE IN IT AND DO NOTHING, YOU ARE A PISS POOR PARENT.  Anyone with two brain cells to rub together would have CALLED CHILDREN'S AID and had that parent removed from the home.  It's your JOB AS A MOTHER to protect your child, even if you're protecting them from your husband.  YOU chose that person as your "partner".  Your children didn't CHOOSE them at all!!!  They got stuck with him...stuck with your choice.  Great.  Lovely.  PROTECT THEM!!!

I'm telling you...if I ever saw ANYONE rub a child's face in their own urine...
It would not go well.  It would not go well at all.

Also, one more thing Super Mom...
When you see your husband slap your child in the face for biting his brother and you do nothing, you are allowing it.  You are saying it's okay.

GREAT PARENTING.

You don't get to hit children and say "keep your hands to yourself".  You have to teach by example.  You have to know that having those children is NOT YOUR RIGHT.  It's a privilege.  You can lose custody of them in a heartbeat.  They'll be gone, and even if you're not the one physically putting your hands on them, you are also not protecting them.  Failure to protect is AS BAD as being the one who does the hurting.  

"You hit me for hitting people to teach me that hitting people is wrong."  Confusing to adults.  Confusing to children!!!

If you need some help figuring out how to raise your children with respect, you can talk to your family Dr.  You can call CPS/CAS and talk to them.  You can sign up for courses, you can get some kind of funding to pay for some child care, so you can have a break from them if you need it.

You NEVER need to hurt your children.  You NEVER need to allow someone else to.  And there is no excuse for making children feel like less than the amazing gifts they are.

Why Spanking Isn't Good For Anyone

It's become all too clear to me lately that there are WAY too many moms that resort to spanking as a way to discipline their children.  It needs to stop.  Putting your hands on a child in an attempt to hurt them as a means of correcting their behaviour is just not acceptable. 

As much as I think Dr. Phil is kind of an ass, he has made some very valid points when it comes to disciplining children.  He said, anyone who hits someone who is 1/5 of their size, who can't fight back, is a bully.  A BULLY.  And I agree completely.  Our children look to us to guide and teach them.  Not hurt them.  The world is a scary enough place for children (never forget they're new here!), without their parents hitting them.  It's our JOB to protect our children.  It's NOT our job to hit them.  EVER.
After looking up the word "discipline" online, I've completely changed my view on the word.  It does NOT mean "teach". 

¹dis·ci·pline

noun \ˈdi-sə-plən\

Definition of DISCIPLINE

1

: punishment

2

obsolete: instruction

3

: a field of study

4

: training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character

5

a: control gained by enforcing obedience or order b: orderly or prescribed conduct or pattern of behavior c: self-control

6

: a rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity

— dis·ci·plin·al \-plə-n^əl\adjective

teach verb

Definition of TEACH

 

to cause to acquire knowledge or skill in some field <taught us about the basics of organic gardening>

Synonyms educate, indoctrinate, instruct, lesson, school, train, tutor

Related Words coach, mentor; drill, fit, ground, habilitate, prepare, prime, qualify; direct, guide, lead, rear; catechize, lecture, moralize, preach; implant, inculcate, instill (also instil); homeschool; edify, enlighten; brief, familiarize, impart (to), inform, verse; initiate, introduce, show; reeducate, reschool, reteach, retrain

From this day forward, I will refer to our way of parenting as "teaching", not "discipline".

There is a huge difference between teaching, and discipline/punishment.  And children do not need to be punished.  They need to be taught how to make their way in the world.  There are countless gentle ways to do this, and our children deserve that!  Even if your parents spanked you (mine sure did!), it doesn't make it right to do it to YOUR children.  Learn from your parents' mistakes.  Don't let the cycle of abuse continue.  Let it end with you.  Your children deserve better.
I have made a list of several resources that show very clearly that spanking a child is not harmless.  Your children do not learn to "behave" by being hit.  They learn that hitting is acceptable, and that when you don't get your way, someone is making you angry, or someone isn't listening to you, it's okay to hit them.  And it's SO not okay.  The world would be a better place if we treated our children the way WE wanted to be treated.


http://www.religioustolerance.org/spankin7.htm
http://www.religioustolerance.org/spanking_menu.htm#stud

Studies of the effects of spanking: http://kidshealth.org/parent/question/parenting/spanking.html "Spanking can be humiliating for children, can cause anger, aggression, and resentment, can cause physical harm, and often does not teach the lesson you're trying to convey. For these reasons, experts do not recommend spanking. Other ways to discipline kids effectively include using timeouts, withholding privileges, modeling appropriate behavior, and helping kids understand the connection between actions and consequences." http://life.familyeducation.com/parenting/spanking/45304.html "Spanking is a mild form of corporal punishment. The American Academy of Pediatrics (as well as many, many child development experts) strongly opposes ever striking a child. Whether or not parents believe in spanking their kids seems to be somewhat based on the time and place (in the Midwest in the '50s, spanking and much stronger physical abuse was simply an acceptable part of “child rearing”). It's also related to the education level of the parent (the more educated, the less likely they are to spank). Many parents occasionally hit their kids when they are frightened (the child has done something dangerous), or from sheer stress, frustration, or fear of having no other options." http://www.squidoo.com/no-spanking "Spanking teaches children that violence is the solution to problems. It also teaches children that it is okay to use physical violence to control other people and situations. Spanking teaches kids that it is okay to hit the people you love. Spanking teaches them nothing that will be useful or helpful in their adult lives or that will help them to communicate with other people." "Our children deserve the best ...they deserve parents that have learned creative ways to teach and discipline without resorting to corporal punishment. They deserve parents with a more peaceful approach to discipline." http://www.nospank.net/stang2.htm Eight Dangerous Myths About Spanking By Debra L. Stang, LCSW http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/hp-ps/dca-dea/publications/spanking-fessee/index-eng.php Public Health Agency Of Canada  (Government site.) "Spanking is not an effective form of discipline, even though some people may think it is. The American Academy of Pediatrics "recommends that parents be encouraged and assisted in the development of methods other than spanking for managing undesired behavior. Never spank! It simply doesn't work - for the child or the parent." http://www.toronto.ca/health/children/discipline.htm "Spanking is hitting. Spanking is meant to cause pain to control a child's behaviour. When you're stressed and angry, spanking may seem like a quick way to stop misbehaviour – but it doesn't work. Spanking may cause your child to fear you and stop trusting you. Anger, resentment and shame can build up in your child, and this can hurt your relationship. These bad feelings can also hurt your child's self-esteem and ability to have healthy relationships with others." http://www.cbc.ca/news/story/2010/04/12/con-child-spanking.html "Children who are spanked when they are three years old are more likely to have screaming tantrums, get into fights, hurt animals and refuse to share by the time they are five, a new study in the medical journal Pediatrics suggests. The seven-year study followed nearly 2,500 parents. More than half reported spanking their children, and 26.5 per cent spanked their children more than twice a month. Those who used corporal punishment more than doubled the risk their children would become aggressive, according to social work and public health researchers at Tulane University in New Orleans, the State University of New York at Albany and Wayne State University in Detroit. Even children who were spanked fewer than two times a month had a 40 per cent chance of becoming aggressive by the time they turned five."

How Spanking Feels: Images and Words from Children Ten Reasons Not To Hit Your Child http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/tenreasons.html http://www.livescience.com/7895-children-spanked-iqs.html Children who get spanked have lower IQs (study researcher Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire.) "Straus and his colleague Mallie Paschall of the Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation in Maryland studied nationally representative samples of two age groups: 806 children ages 2 to 4, and 704 ages 5 to 9. The researchers tested the kids' IQs initially and then four years later. Both groups of kids got smarter after four years. But the 2- to 4-year-olds who were spanked scored 5 points lower on the IQ test than those not spanked. For children ages 5 to 9, the spanked ones scored on average 2.8 points lower than their unspanked counterparts. The results, he said, were statistically significant. And they held even after accounting for parental education, income, cognitive stimulation by parents and other factors that could affect children's mental abilities." http://www.stopspanking.com/articles.html The 13 Ways Spanking Harms Children By Michael J. Marshall, P.h.D. "Think a little spanking won't do much harm to kids? New research says the effects can be long-lasting. Experts say "popping" kids can do more harm than good. A new study of more than 2,500 toddlers from low-income families found that spanking may have detrimental effects on behavior and mental development. "We're talking about infants and toddlers, and I think that just, cognitively, they just don't understand enough about right or wrong or punishment to benefit from being spanked," said Lisa Berlin, the study's lead author and research scientist at the Center for Child and Family Policy at Duke University. Berlin and colleagues found that children who were spanked as 1-year-olds tended to behave more aggressively at age 2, and did not perform as well as other children on a test measuring thinking skills at age 3. The study is published in the journal Child Development." Make spanking kids illegal: Corporal punishment leads to problems later in life "Moreover, research clearly shows that spanking has a serious cost. It tends to weaken the tie between children and parents and increase the probability that the child will hit other children - and the probability that the child, when grown, will hit a dating or marital partner. There is more than 90% agreement on these and other side effects, which have been found in more than 100 studies. There is probably no other aspect of parenting and child behavior in which results are so consistent." WHAT SPANKING DOES FOR KIDS http://www.nospank.net/hyman2.htm "Even the researchers in favor of spanking admitted that noncorporal punishment methods of discipline have been shown to be effective with children of all ages, and that prevention of misbehavior should be stressed, that excessive spanking is one of many risk factors for poor outcomes in the lives of children, and that parents should never spank in anger. This may be an oxymoron, since studies of spankers and spankees indicate that some level of anger is almost always associated with spankings. Finally, the group rejected spanking and paddling in schools. " "Frequent and harsh spanking is consistently found to be present in the lives of boys who are aggressive and disobedient, who lie, cheat, are destructive with their own and others' belongings, and who associate with friends prone to delinquency." "Frequent and harsh spankings can cause young children to bottle up their feelings of fear, anger, and hostility. In later life these children are unusually prone to suicidal thoughts, suicide, and depression." "Despite the age or gender of the child, the family's social class or ethnicity, whether the child was hit frequently or rarely, severely or mildly, whether there were high or low levels of interaction and affection in the home, and regardless of the degree to which specific situational variables may have mitigated the effects of the punishment, spanking consistently contributes to lowered self-esteem." Read more HERE. I could post for hours about this.  There are so many studies out there that have shown that spanking is detrimental to children.  I think a pretty good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn't do it to an adult, don't do it to a child.  Just because you're bigger than they are, it doesn't give you the right to hurt them.  (Even if you don't think it hurt you.)  We know more now.  We know better.  So DO BETTER.

Spanking...It hurts more than you think.

How is it that people need to be told this?!

http://www.toronto.ca/health/children/discipline.htm

The problem with spanking Reasons not to spank Why discipline works Use discipline to encourage good behaviour Use discipline when your child misbehaves Remember Making it work Brochure, Posters & "Take 1" Information Sheet Media Links for more parenting information The problem with spanking Spanking is hitting. Spanking is meant to cause pain to control a child's behaviour. When you're stressed and angry, spanking may seem like a quick way to stop misbehaviour – but it doesn't work. Spanking may cause your child to fear you and stop trusting you. Anger, resentment and shame can build up in your child, and this can hurt your relationship. These bad feelings can also hurt your child's self-esteem and ability to have healthy relationships with others. Reasons not to spank Spanking is hitting, and hitting hurts physically, emotionally and socially. Hitting people is wrong - and children are people, too. Children who are spanked are more likely to be aggressive. This can lead to other problems, like bullying. Spanking can result in fear, not respect. A child who fears a parent may learn to hide behaviour and lie rather than trust that parent to guide and teach. Spanking may get a quick reaction, but next time you may end up hitting harder. And when you're angry and stressed, it's easy to injure your child. Spanking doesn't teach the right lesson. It shows a child that hitting is a way to solve problems. You may be saying to yourself, "I was spanked and I turned out okay." It could be that you turned out okay in spite of being spanked, not because you were spanked. In the past, parents did the best they could with what they knew. Today, we know a lot more about how children develop. That's why more and more parents are choosing not to spank. Why discipline works All children need discipline. It teaches self-control, responsibility and acceptable behaviour. Unlike spanking, which uses pain, fear and shame, discipline means teaching, guiding and nurturing. Discipline doesn't mean your child gets away with misbehaving. Discipline puts rules and limits in place early in life to give children guidance. It takes patience and commitment, but the rewards are worth it. Some children are not able to do what you want because of their age or stage of development. A toddler, for example, wants to touch everything. This is a normal part of development. It is not "bad" behaviour. Understanding how a child develops will help you choose the best way to discipline as your child grows. Remember that all children are different. What works with one child may not work with another. Use discipline to encourage good behaviour You are the best role model your child has. Show your child how to solve problems in a peaceful way. Make a few simple rules that are fair and reasonable for your child's age. Make sure children know what is expected of them so it's easier for them to cooperate. Be consistent. Make routines and stick to them, especially at bedtime and mealtimes. Your child is more likely to misbehave when tired, hungry or over-excited. Listen and try to understand your child's point of view. Help your child to talk about feelings like anger and sadness. Let your child know that it's okay to cry. When your child is having fun, it's hard to stop. Give your child time to end the activity. Children can get bored easily, so plan ahead for outings. For example, distract your child with a toy or play a game while waiting in line. Allowing children to make simple decisions makes them feel good, and it teaches them how to solve problems. Offer choices like, "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" Children don't always understand dangerous situations. Supervise your child and explain the dangers as often as possible. Be part of the solution. Encourage your child to come to you with problems and figure them out together. Praise your child when rules are obeyed and be patient when they are broken. Learning is a process and it won't happen overnight. Remember, you can never give too many hugs. Disciplining your child takes time and patience, but it can make parenting easier and more rewarding. Your relationship with your child will grow stronger and your child will learn important skills. Use discipline when your child misbehaves Your child knows the rules. You've reminded gently, but nothing seems to be working. So, what do you do next? Choosing to discipline rather than spank is still the best way of getting through to your child. Testing the limits is natural and part of growing up. Teaching your child how to behave is up to you. Don't let your anger get the better of you. Take a minute to cool off. When you are calm, find out why your child misbehaved. Talk it out. Listen. Let your child know why you are upset. Be careful what you say - mean words can hurt your child. Use consequences that make sense with your child's actions and age. For example, if your four-year-old throws a toy, take away the toy for a short time. Turn a tough situation into a game. A child who refuses to put away the toys is more likely to do it if you make it fun. Children also learn through play. Your child will have bad days just like you. Hugs and staying calm help your child get through tantrums and tears. Ignore minor misbehaviour. Ask yourself, "How important is it to respond?" Ignoring often works to stop unwanted behaviour. Most importantly, let your child know that, while you aren't happy with misbehaviour, your love will never go away. Parenting is tough work, but it should never hurt. Remember Babies can do no wrong. They need love and attention. They should never be shaken or hit in any way. Be patient with toddlers. Everything is new to them and they have short memories. Gently remind them of the rules when they forget. Making it work Your child will be happy and healthy if you are happy and healthy. When things get to be too much for you, take some time for yourself. Go for a walk, take a bath or call a friend. If that doesn't work, there are ways to get help. Relatives and friends, other parents and family resource programs can all help. So can we. Get in Touch with us: Toronto Health Connection 416-338-7600 or call Parent Help Line 1-888-603-9100 (24 hrs)