Shit That Pisses Me Off...Being Nice.

If you know me, you know I'm very "nice".  I try to do for other people what I'd want done to me if I was in their shoes.  I try to consider people's feelings, and pretty much only expect the same thing in return.  

Anyway...

What pisses me off about being nice is when I find myself being nice ONLY because I'd want the same done to me if I was that other person.  Not because they really deserve it...and sometimes even when they clearly do not.

I end up on the phone with people from Bell Canada (phone/satellite company we use) for 45 minutes when the phone call should have taken no more than 5 minutes at the most.  Why?  Oh, because I'm NICE.  The guy on the other end wanted to talk to me about his favorite show, and I listened.  I told him it sounded interesting.  (It did SO not sound like my cup of tea...it was called "Operation".  Gag.)  The moral of the story, he ended that call happy as a pig in shit.  I'm glad someone enjoyed our time together.  LOL

And when we get one of the calls we get about twice a week; "Hello?  Can I please speak to the manager?"
I tell them nicely that we are a HOME, not a BUSINESS, and most of the time they apologize and take my name off of whatever list it is that they have in front of them.  Most of the time.

...But not all the time.


Like that time a man called and I told him the exact same thing I've told a hundred people before him (and since him)...we're a home...a family...not a business.
He apologized and explained to me that our phone number was on a callers list for businesses...under the name "China Delight".
Lovely.  We're a Chinese restaurant, apparently.  (That restaurant actually burnt to the ground about three years ago, if not longer.)
I'm glad he took the time to explain why people were calling here, speaking Mandarin, and asking to speak to someone else who spoke Mandarin too.
Anyway, I thought that was the end of the call.
Wrong.
Buddy called back about 20 minutes later.  He told me that he was calling on his own "personal" time, and had enjoyed speaking with me earlier.  He said he wanted to ask me a question.
I just said "okaaaaay...".
He said, "Can I ask you a question?"
At this point I'd regained my senses, and said "I don't think I even want to know what your question is, so I'm going to go with NO."
He asked again.  "Can I ask you a question?"
Me:  "No.  I don't think so."
He spent five minutes telling me how nice I am, and how I have such a nice voice, and told me about ten times how much he'd love to ask his question.
By this point I was annoyed...but still being NICE.
I told him that I had to make the twins their lunch, so I had to say goodbye.  He asked if he could call me again some time.  I told him that I'm normally too busy to answer the phone, so he probably wouldn't get me. With that he finally said goodbye.

I wish I could travel back in time and tell him to be a professional, and to get a life.  But I probably would just end up on the phone with him again...listening to the same crap I listened to the first time.

And my nice-ness doesn't just extend to people trying to sell me something.  It also is given to people I'm trying to sell something to...like some of my baby clothing stash.


Like the guy who called to ask how much I wanted for a pair of baby boots.  They were super soft, and only worn once, and I'd ordered them off of eBay for about $12.  I told him I'd sell them for $5 if he picked them up.  He asked what other items I had...so I gave him a summary...NB girls clothing, or anything for boys from NB to 2T.  I told him that as our youngest outgrew the girls' clothing, they'd be for sale as well.  I (stupidly) told him that I had twins the first time, so we have a butt load of clothes to get rid of.
He told me he has b/g twins too...and then went on to tell me he's a SAHD.  He told me that the clothes were going to be a donation, so he didn't want to spend much.  He SOUNDED nice, so I told him I'd give him a deal if he picked a bunch of things.
He decided to go on and tell me about his twins, and his wife, and he told me she worked a lot.
He told me about taking the kids to the park, and how the women hit on him.
>My red-flag was up here.<
He went on to tell me that the women in  his neighborhood were "too close for comfort", but felt he needed a "special friend".  He told me that I sounded nice, and that he'd love to meet me.  He told me that he thinks every marriage needs a "special friend" to keep it going...

I told him that the kids needed me, and I had to let him go.  I told him I'd email him and we could arrange for him to pick up his items.  Then I hung up.

Okay.  So he (probably)wasn't Tom Cruise.
But Tom Cruise is creepy as hell...no?!

I swear, I nearly cried.  What a DICK that guy was!!!  I couldn't believe he'd even suggest that...he doesn't even KNOW me!!!  I was losing it, so I ran to the computer and took down all the selling ads I'd put up on Kijiji (our local online selling group...kind of like Craig's List).  I was so upset I called my mom.  And really, she's the LAST person I normally go to in this kind of situation...but I was losing it.


She actually told me what I needed to hear...pull your head out of your ass and tell that guy to take a hike.  Funny enough, he beeped in as I was on the phone with her.  I told her to wait, and I answered the beep.

He said "It's just me, I need your address."
I told him that I wasn't going to be giving it to him, and that I was sorry, but if he was to come here, my husband would rip him a new asshole.  I advised him to find someone else to buy items from.  He apologized (I could hear his wife in the background!!), and told me he won't bother me again.  And thankfully, I haven't heard from him.


Really though, wtf, right?!  I said I was SORRY that I couldn't sell him things, when in fact he scared the shit right out of me.  I was home alone with three kids that night, and the idea of some creepy guy coming to my door...terrifying.


Oh...and you'd think that after these incidents I'd learn to just be a little more assertive, and stop worrying about people not thinking I'm nice...  But nooooo...


Today I ended up on the phone with the man who's house we bought.  He's a Jehovah's Witness.  No biggie, right?  Yeah, right.  I was on the phone with him for 37 minutes...five were in regards to two mattresses he wanted to give away, and I gave him the numbers of two women who wanted them.  The rest of the time he was telling me about his religious beliefs.
He's a nice guy...he means well.  I don't doubt that one bit.  And I love that he loves his religion.  Really.  It's nice to see someone who is living well, and who is HAPPY living their religion.  I love that they are so into it, and that they love it so much they just want to share that joy with everyone they meet.  Even when it comes in the form of ministering to whomever is close enough to hear them.
But seriously.  I have things to do.  And yes, I think he's a nice man, but when he told me that he's going to have to come and see me and "discuss further" the beliefs he holds, I realized that once again, niceness bit me in the ass.  He knows where I'm going to be living.  Forever.


It's become very clear that being nice does not always serve me well.  Sometimes there are going to be those times that being nice is really just being a wimp...and I need to step up and make that choice to be nice to the people that DESERVE it.  And, when the need arises, I need to stop being a wuss and tell people how I feel.


I'll tell you...the NEXT person that calls here and makes me uncomfortable, or the next time I find myself humoring some telemarketer, I'm going to remember writing this post and tell that person that I have better things to do than deal with their shit.  And then I'm going to hang up.  Because being nice for the sake of being nice, even when the person on the other end of that phone does not deserve my kindness, is straight up BS.  And I'm not going to let it piss me off anymore!!!

This post is a reminder to myself that it's just fine to bitch about something, but then the next step is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  Change it.

"You're not a tree.  If there's something in your life you don't like, change it."
~Arden Park Hotel sign wisdom.

Things That Piss Me Off...Butthurts

Please stop it.

Oh, the dramaz...  I have a whole list of things that piss me off, but after the dramazzzz that I've had to deal with on the page wall (I posted that link to the page, but removed the bullcrap), I'm going to address one of my least favorite things.  Butthurts. 

Don't know what that means?  Oh, let me explain it.  It's when someone gets all bent out of shape over something that was not in fact even directed at them, and they lash out like a nut.  (Such as my putting up a post about yelling being abuse, and then someone getting all cranky because they internalized it, and felt "attacked" by it...even though I don't even KNOW THEM in real life, so could not POSSIBLY know what's going on in their home.)  It's pretty impossible for me to write posts about people I don't know...but this person got all upset about it anyway...even though it was that person who stepped forward on their own accord, and said openly that they "regularly yell" at their 4 year old son, and if they hadn't, no one would have even known.  (Well, maybe the neighbors...but I'd never have known.  And neither would have 600+ other people on the page wall.)

I guess if I was openly admitting to disrespecting someone that looks up to me and saying that I don't want to change my bad behavior, I'd probably get mad about someone telling me that I was not doing what's best for my child too.  No one wants to be told that their behavior is inappropriate, even when it is.  And I'm sure that finding out that what I was doing was actually abusive would probably piss me right off.  (Since if I was this kind of person, clearly anger is my go-to emotion.)

Here is a definition from the Urban Dictionary for "Butthurt":

ButtHurt

An inappropriately strong negative emotional response from a perceived personal insult. Characterized by strong feelings of shame. Frequently associated with a cessation of communication and overt hostility towards the "aggressor."

I learned to swallow my pride a long time ago...not long after having children. Before I had kids, I had all the answers.  (Well, I sure thought I did.)  Then I had twins and realized that I didn't.  Infact, I didn't even know all the questions!  So as I've walked this parenting journey, I've come to find out that sometimes what I thought was right; what I thought was best, was actually NOT what was right or best at all.  And if you know me, you'd know that I'd never intentionally do anything wrong (especially when it comes to my kids).  I'm one of those people that have to know everything there is to know, because the idea that I might not do a part of this parenting thing the best possible way is just terrifying to me.  I only get one shot at this.  I can't go back and have them re-live their childhood again, so it needs to be done right the first time.  But even I, the overly anal one, have made mistakes along the way!  And the reason it just freakin' irritates me so bad when someone stands and fight for their right to do something that has been proven NOT to be the best for ANY child, is because before I was able to put my own ego aside, it used to be me.

Once upon a time, I used to think that it was just fine to give my daughter formula, and I fought like a crazy person with these "thoughtless, judgmental bitches" who told me I was wrong.  They had a lot of NERVE saying that I was giving her poison, and that it was only one step above feeding her nothing.  (They were bitches when they said that I loved my breastfed son more than her because I gave her formula, though.  I'd still like to kick them in the neck for that one.)  But overall, when it came to the facts of formula, they were right.

It was only after I was able to grow the hell up and let go of my stupid ego that I actually did some real research.  And do you know what I found out?  I was wrong all along.
It made me cry.  A lot.
It still hurts knowing that I didn't do the very best for my daughter (even if I thought I was at the time), and she is such a wonderful gift...she deserved better.  If I knew more, I could have done better for her.  But there's no going back now.  There's nothing I can do to change the past...so I have made sure that the future would be different.  Even though my feelings were hurt by the truth, it remained the truth just the same.

This blog is about KNOWING better and then DOING better.  Not knowing better and ignoring the facts because pride depends on defending mistakes.  There's probably a blog out there like that, but it's not this one.  

I want to say, I'm not going to stop posting information on my blog...MY blog...that I think is important.  I'm not going to change my opinion on what does and does not constitute abuse, either.

There are facts, and there are opinions, and it is a FACT that yelling at children (more than once in a blue moon) is ABUSIVE.  I'm not going to sugar-coat the truth.  I'm not going to crap rainbows because someone can't handle the truth.  I have never been able to talk to adults like they're children, because they AREN'T.  I just assume that an adult is able to be spoken to like they're an adult, and can handle that.  Apparently it's not always the case, but I STILL can't talk to adults like their children.  And crapping rainbows sounds painful, so I won't be doing that anytime soon either.

2.0 WHAT IS ABUSE?  (taken from HERE)
definition, meaning, explanation, types, categories

Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or verbal; it is intimidation or manipulation of another person or an intrusion into another's psyche; the purpose is to control another person. It is generally a long term pattern of behavior although specific short term interactions can be labeled abusive. Recently the following categories have been included in definitions of abusive behavior: social, economic, intellectual andspiritual. With child abuse neglect is also an important component.

Abuse cuts across all social categories and classes. It occurs in well educated high income areas and in low income working class areas; it happens in all races and religions. It can occur in families, extended families, in neighborhoods, schools, churches, and community groups. Both men and women can be abusive and it can occur in virtually all age groups. The old can abuse the young and the young the old. While standards are different in various cultures, it occurs in virtually all countries as well.

Because it is often learned at an early age, it can be passed from generation to generation like a family disease. This is called theintergenerational cycle of abuse.

Abuse tends to happen to people in a weaker position or to those who are willing to be accommodating. Thus a stronger brother will abuse a weaker brother; an agreeable and supportive wife may be abused by her uncompromising husband; a teacher may pick on a student who is having learning problems; a spoiled teenage boy may manipulate a parent in an abusive manner.

This site, AbusiveLove.com, is primarily about verbal abuse although it discusses other abusive behaviors as well. It concentrates on verbal because most abusive behavior includes verbal elements and because words and tone of voice can be indentified and changed more easily than other kinds. Attacking and changing abusive verbal behavior will go a long way to preventing other abusive problems.  (Bold and underline put in by ME.)

I found the following HERE, and I could not love it MORE:

KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS  A child has the right to live without being sexually molested, sexually harassed, or used in any way. A child has the right to live in a safe environment.  A child has the right to have a parent(s) or guardian(s) who care(s) about him/her. A child has the right to live without physical or verbal abuse, including criticism and yelling. A child has the right to eat three meals a day, wear clean, warm clothing, and have a roof over his head. A child has the right to privacy as soon as he/she requests it. A child has the right to an education (with or without a home, birth certificate, or immunizations) where he/she will be treated as equal to his peers and respected by adults, without verbal or physical abuse from adults or peers. A child has the right to ask questions so she/he can learn about the world. A child has the right to be disciplined without violence. A child has the right to be included in a group no matter what his race, religion, or handicap.

No society will ever rise higher than its weakest, smallest members.  Unless they are lifted too, they will pull society down.  -Kidsread

HOW TO KEEP DISCIPLINE WITHOUT YELLING OR SCREAMING

NO  YELLING AT HOME (You decide what works for you)
Yelling in the home is okay if, a) a train has crashed into your living room, b) your children have turned into werewolves, or c) scary aliens have landed on your roof. 
Let's face it.  There is never going to be absolute quiet for long periods of time in a home with happy children (although some children are more calm and quiet than others).  If you are one of those people who requires absolute quiet and you have children, then it's time to have earplugs surgically implanted in your ears.  A certain amount of tolerance is necessary, and a certain amount of facing reality, but when you get to the point that you are becoming irritable don't yell, try one of the following:

• One Mom who needed peace and quiet taped a sign on a tank vacuum cleaner that said, "Noise Eating Machine."  She turned it on and tapped each kid gently on the head, pretending she was vacuuming up the noise."  After they were quiet they all got a cookie.  Soon the kids were also playing the game.
• Make a rule about "indoor voices" and "outdoor voices."  Indoor voices are normal sound levels.  Outdoor voices can include shouting if it is for playing, not fighting.
• When using the phone and you can't hear, raise your hand high and then point to the phone, or with a portable phone wave bye-bye, point to the phone, and walk out of the room.  Use exaggerated facial expressions of mock dismay, or pretend crying.  
• If kids are in the habit of shouting to get your attention tell them, "I can't answer until you use a normal voice."
• If they shout from upstairs while you are downstairs tell them, "I'm down here and I can't hear you."  They'll come down and say, "then how did you know I was talking?"  You say, "I didn't, I thought it was a lion roaring."
• Tell them, "As soon as it's quiet I can tell you what we're going to do."
• When serving food or treats say, "The quietest kids get theirs first."
• Take the kids to the park, or send them outside to play (in rural suburbs first check for snakes, scorpions, or other danger).

HERE is another wonderful article on yelling at children BEING ABUSE, from Livestrong.com.  Below is a section of the article.

"Growing up in an environment filled with loud voices can cripple your mental health. Consider that "good" things are rarely shouted, while negative, soul-crushing epithets are lifted to the heavens. A child has no choice but to hear because he has no escape. He cannot hail a cab or hop a bus away from home. This captive victim instead stays for years as the long-term effects of yelling shape his mind."

HERE is yet another one, found in the NY Times.   A little bit of the article is below.

"Researchers are trying to codify the definition of emotional abuse while, at the same time, understanding more about its effects. A study in the July 2001 issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry that compared 49 subjects with depersonalization disorder with 26 emotionally healthy subjects, found that emotional abuse was the most significant predictor of mental illness, more so than sexual and physical abuse."

Now, to those who feel like their yelling is "normal", or "not abuse", I say this; Would you allow another person to speak to your child the way you do? Would you allow someone to speak to YOU the way you speak to your child? If the answer is no, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you feel that you have the right to speak to your child that way, and what is it that you hope to gain from talking to them like that?  

In the end, what I really wanted to get across is that YES, screaming at your kids IS ABUSE, whether this fact hurts your feelings or not. Facts are facts.

If you yell TO your child, or OVER the voices of your other children, THAT is not the same as yelling AT your child.  And yelling at them once ever, because you're afraid (like if they run into a busy street), is different than yelling at them because you "lost patience after nicely telling them something 50 times", and that's happening on a regular basis.  Yelling to get away from the stove is not the same as yelling out of frustration.  There is a huge difference between constantly yelling at your child, and yelling because you just don't have those awesome go-go-Gadget-arms, or the ability to fly.  (Did I just date myself there with that Inspector Gadget reference?)

Our children are smaller than we are (atleast for a while).  Their inability to fight back is not an excuse to mistreat them.  Its all the more reason to treat them well.  They need to be protected, not taken advantage of.  Respect is not gained by inflicting fear.  It's earned.  Give respect, get respect.


In closing, I don't appreciate it when someone gets all crabby because I can show proof that constantly yelling at children is abusive.  If anyone wants to defend their yelling, tell it to someone else because I don't want to hear it.  There's nothing anyone is ever going to say that is going to suddenly make me see that side as right, and no matter what I'm never going to wake up and say "Oh, you are so right.  Yelling at kids is just fine...despite the proof otherwise.  I think I'll go home and scream at mine right now.  I sure don't want to raise brats.  Eff respect, they need fear! Mmwooohahahahahaha!"
Yeah.  Not gonna happen.
 

No society will ever rise higher than its weakest, smallest members. Unless they are lifted too, they will pull society down. -Kidsread

And for the record:

Just sayin'.

LOL  Have a good one.  ; )