Children Deserve Better

In the last few days I've heard too many people talk about their children as though they just aren't the precious gifts that they REALLY ARE.  It irritates me.


As a mom who saw my first two children struggle to breathe...struggle to LIVE...when I witness a parent not appreciating their child, it just hurts my heart.


As you may or may not know, we bought a house.  We're going to be moving out of this rental in March some time, so the landlord has been showing our house.  It's not bad...it's a pain in the butt, but not a huge inconvenience.  I understand that he has to do it.  What I can NOT understand is the things some people say.

See, yesterday my husband was working overtime, so the kids, my BIL, and myself, were all home during the three showings the landlord had.


It went better than expected, really, considering the kids wanted to be part of all of it.  (Of course they would...these are new people in their house!)  The first couple saw that we have twins and told me that I must be an amazing mom to not only have twins, but to have gone on to have another.  I just laughed and told them we were very blessed.  (All of my children were very much planned and wanted, so I don't think I'm an amazing mom...I think I'm JUST a mom.)

That first couple had an 8 month old baby at home, they told me; their first.  So to them, this probably seems chaotic.  (To me, it's normal.)

The second family that went through were nice...at first.  It was a woman, her 2 1/2 year old daughter, and her mother.  I should mention that the older woman (the grandmother) was fabulous.  My issue was with the mother of that little girl.
As soon as she found out that we had twins (the landlord was telling them...not me), she commented on how much work they must be.  I said that I had them first, so to me, two at once was normal...and that they aren't much work at all.  (If they were, would I have had a third?!)
Her daughter immediately saw the toys and wanted to play, and I told her that if she wanted to leave the little one in the livingroom with us while she looked at the house, that would be fine.  I told her that one more would be no trouble at all, and I didn't mind.  She drug her screaming child through the house anyway.  Finally Grandma had enough of it, and brought her down.  She sat on the couch while the little girl played with the kids.  She was super cute, and THRILLED that she was finally getting to play with that mountain of toys she'd seen.  I talked to Grandma, who informed me that she'd been a nanny for years for a "Festival family" (which means a family that works at, or are in plays at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival), but the boys are in school and no longer need a nanny.  She seemed super nice, but I'm a little...Mother Bear...to leave my kids with someone just because they say they've been a nanny.  Hell, I could say I spent three years working on the MOON...it doesn't mean I did.  Right?!


Anyway I'm getting off topic.  When Mom came back downstairs to gather up Grandma and Daughter, she decided to say "I don't know how you did it with twins...I only have one, and she's too much for me sometimes."


*Blank stare*  (Me.)


I didn't even know what to say.  The fact that her daughter was standing right next to her when she said that just took me aback.  I honestly had one of those "did I just hear that?" moments.


I know that Mom probably didn't mean to come across as some kind of bitch...and I'm sure she didn't mean to say, infront of her daughter, that sometimes she's "too much".  But she did.  And she did.

It was one of those things in life that show just how easy it is to say things in front of our children that will define them...change them...make them into who they're going to be as adults.  I hope that Mom made a slip of the tongue there, and that it's not a regular occurrence.

The day before these people came through I was talking with a woman who was our neighbor once upon a time...when her three children were small.  (They're 9, 11, and 13 years old now!)
The reason she called was because I had agreed to care for her 9 year old son.  Let's call him Billy.
Billy has "special needs".  He has some anger issues, and apparently also has some extreme anxiety.  I can only assume that when he feels that need to flee and someone stops him, that's probably when the anger comes out.  Fight or flight...right?  Sounds likely to me.  (I don't know...I'm guessing.)
Anyway, Billy's mom brought him over about two days before her and I spoke on the phone.  We wanted him to get a chance to RE-meet me (since he was only about two when I last took care of him), so he would be comfortable being here for 8 or 9 hours a day, three times a week.
When they came to the door, everything was fine.  The Boy was sleeping on the couch, and the baby was in the living room (baby gates), so only myself and Ooey answered the door.  I figured that if only her and I went to the door to greet them, it wouldn't overwhelm him...which when all three of my kids are around, tend to happen to the best of people!
The mom walked in, said hello, and took her shoes off.  In that amount of time, her son (who had come in directly behind her), decided it was too much and ran out the door and locked himself in their car.
She looked at me and said "he bolted".  She came in to have a look at the house, leaving him to sit in the car.  Within about two minutes, he was knocking on the door, yelling for her to "hurry up and let's leave NOW!"
At this point my 3 year old daughter was in tears.  She wanted Billy to come in so she could see him because she "loves him", and she said "he's my best friend!"
So the mom tried to get him into the house.  She tried using guilt..."Look Billy, she's crying!  She just wants to meet you, come in!"
I told her not to...that my daughter has the right to be upset, but so does Billy.  I said that trying to force him into the house wasn't going to help anything.  I told her that I would talk to Ooie when they'd left and explain to her what was going on.
The mom put on her shoes, and left.

Okay, it could have went better, but it could have gone worse.  When she called me to talk about our arrangement, the behavior of that little boy suddenly made total sense.

She explained to me that her and her husband had separated 2 years ago, after several years of being unhappy and non-stop fighting.  She told me of the incident that ended it all for them...which took place in front of Billy.  (I'm not going to get into it, but it involved domestic violence and police removing her husband.)
She told me about how her husband has been playing mind games with the children, which they are too young to identify or understand.  And apparently, the night before Billy and his mom came over here to meet all of us, he'd been with his dad.

Dad is a real piece of work.  He told Billy that he was going to "hate it" over here...and that he'd be "surrounded by babies".  He told Billy that he was "going to have a panic attack and freak out", and that he "wouldn't be able to handle it" here.
Nice.  Thanks Steve.  You dick.  *Yep, calling that asshole an asshole.  No fake name there!*


Anyway, he wrote his son's destiny for him.  He set his son up for failure, and managed to make a little boy have a panic attack just by telling him he'd have one.  Great parenting.

My two cents on that:

CHILDREN ARE CHILDREN.  DO NOT USE THEM AS A PAWN IN YOUR MIND GAMES.  THEY DESERVE TO BE TAUGHT THAT THE WORLD IS A SAFE PLACE, AND THAT YOU'LL BE THERE TO SUPPORT THEM IF THEY STUMBLE.  YOU DON'T STAND THERE AND TELL THEM THEY'LL FALL, AND THEN SHOVE THEM.

Holy crap I'm pissed off at that guy.  Who does that?!  And this has nothing to do with being upset about not getting to take care of that boy.  Honestly, he may not have been happy here.  Our kids are years younger than him.  We don't even have things here he'd want to play with.  (And I'm kind of anti-video games.)  But the fact is that after the first day, after getting a chance to talk to him, I could have gotten him things he enjoyed.  And he could have, for the first time, been like a big brother.
But no.  Instead he's going to be watched by his dad during the times I was supposed to have him.  Lovely.  Because a man like that deserves more time with his kids...
Oh...wait...

Anyway, I was going to finish this post with just those two stories.  But I have one more.  And honestly, I don't care if this "costs" me any followers.  I'm at the end of my freakin rope here...

 


IF YOUR YOUNG (2 year old) SON PEES ON YOUR COUCH, AND YOU WATCH YOUR HUSBAND RUB HIS FACE IN IT AND DO NOTHING, YOU ARE A PISS POOR PARENT.  Anyone with two brain cells to rub together would have CALLED CHILDREN'S AID and had that parent removed from the home.  It's your JOB AS A MOTHER to protect your child, even if you're protecting them from your husband.  YOU chose that person as your "partner".  Your children didn't CHOOSE them at all!!!  They got stuck with him...stuck with your choice.  Great.  Lovely.  PROTECT THEM!!!

I'm telling you...if I ever saw ANYONE rub a child's face in their own urine...
It would not go well.  It would not go well at all.

Also, one more thing Super Mom...
When you see your husband slap your child in the face for biting his brother and you do nothing, you are allowing it.  You are saying it's okay.

GREAT PARENTING.

You don't get to hit children and say "keep your hands to yourself".  You have to teach by example.  You have to know that having those children is NOT YOUR RIGHT.  It's a privilege.  You can lose custody of them in a heartbeat.  They'll be gone, and even if you're not the one physically putting your hands on them, you are also not protecting them.  Failure to protect is AS BAD as being the one who does the hurting.  

"You hit me for hitting people to teach me that hitting people is wrong."  Confusing to adults.  Confusing to children!!!

If you need some help figuring out how to raise your children with respect, you can talk to your family Dr.  You can call CPS/CAS and talk to them.  You can sign up for courses, you can get some kind of funding to pay for some child care, so you can have a break from them if you need it.

You NEVER need to hurt your children.  You NEVER need to allow someone else to.  And there is no excuse for making children feel like less than the amazing gifts they are.

Things That Piss Me Off...Butthurts

Please stop it.

Oh, the dramaz...  I have a whole list of things that piss me off, but after the dramazzzz that I've had to deal with on the page wall (I posted that link to the page, but removed the bullcrap), I'm going to address one of my least favorite things.  Butthurts. 

Don't know what that means?  Oh, let me explain it.  It's when someone gets all bent out of shape over something that was not in fact even directed at them, and they lash out like a nut.  (Such as my putting up a post about yelling being abuse, and then someone getting all cranky because they internalized it, and felt "attacked" by it...even though I don't even KNOW THEM in real life, so could not POSSIBLY know what's going on in their home.)  It's pretty impossible for me to write posts about people I don't know...but this person got all upset about it anyway...even though it was that person who stepped forward on their own accord, and said openly that they "regularly yell" at their 4 year old son, and if they hadn't, no one would have even known.  (Well, maybe the neighbors...but I'd never have known.  And neither would have 600+ other people on the page wall.)

I guess if I was openly admitting to disrespecting someone that looks up to me and saying that I don't want to change my bad behavior, I'd probably get mad about someone telling me that I was not doing what's best for my child too.  No one wants to be told that their behavior is inappropriate, even when it is.  And I'm sure that finding out that what I was doing was actually abusive would probably piss me right off.  (Since if I was this kind of person, clearly anger is my go-to emotion.)

Here is a definition from the Urban Dictionary for "Butthurt":

ButtHurt

An inappropriately strong negative emotional response from a perceived personal insult. Characterized by strong feelings of shame. Frequently associated with a cessation of communication and overt hostility towards the "aggressor."

I learned to swallow my pride a long time ago...not long after having children. Before I had kids, I had all the answers.  (Well, I sure thought I did.)  Then I had twins and realized that I didn't.  Infact, I didn't even know all the questions!  So as I've walked this parenting journey, I've come to find out that sometimes what I thought was right; what I thought was best, was actually NOT what was right or best at all.  And if you know me, you'd know that I'd never intentionally do anything wrong (especially when it comes to my kids).  I'm one of those people that have to know everything there is to know, because the idea that I might not do a part of this parenting thing the best possible way is just terrifying to me.  I only get one shot at this.  I can't go back and have them re-live their childhood again, so it needs to be done right the first time.  But even I, the overly anal one, have made mistakes along the way!  And the reason it just freakin' irritates me so bad when someone stands and fight for their right to do something that has been proven NOT to be the best for ANY child, is because before I was able to put my own ego aside, it used to be me.

Once upon a time, I used to think that it was just fine to give my daughter formula, and I fought like a crazy person with these "thoughtless, judgmental bitches" who told me I was wrong.  They had a lot of NERVE saying that I was giving her poison, and that it was only one step above feeding her nothing.  (They were bitches when they said that I loved my breastfed son more than her because I gave her formula, though.  I'd still like to kick them in the neck for that one.)  But overall, when it came to the facts of formula, they were right.

It was only after I was able to grow the hell up and let go of my stupid ego that I actually did some real research.  And do you know what I found out?  I was wrong all along.
It made me cry.  A lot.
It still hurts knowing that I didn't do the very best for my daughter (even if I thought I was at the time), and she is such a wonderful gift...she deserved better.  If I knew more, I could have done better for her.  But there's no going back now.  There's nothing I can do to change the past...so I have made sure that the future would be different.  Even though my feelings were hurt by the truth, it remained the truth just the same.

This blog is about KNOWING better and then DOING better.  Not knowing better and ignoring the facts because pride depends on defending mistakes.  There's probably a blog out there like that, but it's not this one.  

I want to say, I'm not going to stop posting information on my blog...MY blog...that I think is important.  I'm not going to change my opinion on what does and does not constitute abuse, either.

There are facts, and there are opinions, and it is a FACT that yelling at children (more than once in a blue moon) is ABUSIVE.  I'm not going to sugar-coat the truth.  I'm not going to crap rainbows because someone can't handle the truth.  I have never been able to talk to adults like they're children, because they AREN'T.  I just assume that an adult is able to be spoken to like they're an adult, and can handle that.  Apparently it's not always the case, but I STILL can't talk to adults like their children.  And crapping rainbows sounds painful, so I won't be doing that anytime soon either.

2.0 WHAT IS ABUSE?  (taken from HERE)
definition, meaning, explanation, types, categories

Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or verbal; it is intimidation or manipulation of another person or an intrusion into another's psyche; the purpose is to control another person. It is generally a long term pattern of behavior although specific short term interactions can be labeled abusive. Recently the following categories have been included in definitions of abusive behavior: social, economic, intellectual andspiritual. With child abuse neglect is also an important component.

Abuse cuts across all social categories and classes. It occurs in well educated high income areas and in low income working class areas; it happens in all races and religions. It can occur in families, extended families, in neighborhoods, schools, churches, and community groups. Both men and women can be abusive and it can occur in virtually all age groups. The old can abuse the young and the young the old. While standards are different in various cultures, it occurs in virtually all countries as well.

Because it is often learned at an early age, it can be passed from generation to generation like a family disease. This is called theintergenerational cycle of abuse.

Abuse tends to happen to people in a weaker position or to those who are willing to be accommodating. Thus a stronger brother will abuse a weaker brother; an agreeable and supportive wife may be abused by her uncompromising husband; a teacher may pick on a student who is having learning problems; a spoiled teenage boy may manipulate a parent in an abusive manner.

This site, AbusiveLove.com, is primarily about verbal abuse although it discusses other abusive behaviors as well. It concentrates on verbal because most abusive behavior includes verbal elements and because words and tone of voice can be indentified and changed more easily than other kinds. Attacking and changing abusive verbal behavior will go a long way to preventing other abusive problems.  (Bold and underline put in by ME.)

I found the following HERE, and I could not love it MORE:

KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS  A child has the right to live without being sexually molested, sexually harassed, or used in any way. A child has the right to live in a safe environment.  A child has the right to have a parent(s) or guardian(s) who care(s) about him/her. A child has the right to live without physical or verbal abuse, including criticism and yelling. A child has the right to eat three meals a day, wear clean, warm clothing, and have a roof over his head. A child has the right to privacy as soon as he/she requests it. A child has the right to an education (with or without a home, birth certificate, or immunizations) where he/she will be treated as equal to his peers and respected by adults, without verbal or physical abuse from adults or peers. A child has the right to ask questions so she/he can learn about the world. A child has the right to be disciplined without violence. A child has the right to be included in a group no matter what his race, religion, or handicap.

No society will ever rise higher than its weakest, smallest members.  Unless they are lifted too, they will pull society down.  -Kidsread

HOW TO KEEP DISCIPLINE WITHOUT YELLING OR SCREAMING

NO  YELLING AT HOME (You decide what works for you)
Yelling in the home is okay if, a) a train has crashed into your living room, b) your children have turned into werewolves, or c) scary aliens have landed on your roof. 
Let's face it.  There is never going to be absolute quiet for long periods of time in a home with happy children (although some children are more calm and quiet than others).  If you are one of those people who requires absolute quiet and you have children, then it's time to have earplugs surgically implanted in your ears.  A certain amount of tolerance is necessary, and a certain amount of facing reality, but when you get to the point that you are becoming irritable don't yell, try one of the following:

• One Mom who needed peace and quiet taped a sign on a tank vacuum cleaner that said, "Noise Eating Machine."  She turned it on and tapped each kid gently on the head, pretending she was vacuuming up the noise."  After they were quiet they all got a cookie.  Soon the kids were also playing the game.
• Make a rule about "indoor voices" and "outdoor voices."  Indoor voices are normal sound levels.  Outdoor voices can include shouting if it is for playing, not fighting.
• When using the phone and you can't hear, raise your hand high and then point to the phone, or with a portable phone wave bye-bye, point to the phone, and walk out of the room.  Use exaggerated facial expressions of mock dismay, or pretend crying.  
• If kids are in the habit of shouting to get your attention tell them, "I can't answer until you use a normal voice."
• If they shout from upstairs while you are downstairs tell them, "I'm down here and I can't hear you."  They'll come down and say, "then how did you know I was talking?"  You say, "I didn't, I thought it was a lion roaring."
• Tell them, "As soon as it's quiet I can tell you what we're going to do."
• When serving food or treats say, "The quietest kids get theirs first."
• Take the kids to the park, or send them outside to play (in rural suburbs first check for snakes, scorpions, or other danger).

HERE is another wonderful article on yelling at children BEING ABUSE, from Livestrong.com.  Below is a section of the article.

"Growing up in an environment filled with loud voices can cripple your mental health. Consider that "good" things are rarely shouted, while negative, soul-crushing epithets are lifted to the heavens. A child has no choice but to hear because he has no escape. He cannot hail a cab or hop a bus away from home. This captive victim instead stays for years as the long-term effects of yelling shape his mind."

HERE is yet another one, found in the NY Times.   A little bit of the article is below.

"Researchers are trying to codify the definition of emotional abuse while, at the same time, understanding more about its effects. A study in the July 2001 issue of The American Journal of Psychiatry that compared 49 subjects with depersonalization disorder with 26 emotionally healthy subjects, found that emotional abuse was the most significant predictor of mental illness, more so than sexual and physical abuse."

Now, to those who feel like their yelling is "normal", or "not abuse", I say this; Would you allow another person to speak to your child the way you do? Would you allow someone to speak to YOU the way you speak to your child? If the answer is no, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you feel that you have the right to speak to your child that way, and what is it that you hope to gain from talking to them like that?  

In the end, what I really wanted to get across is that YES, screaming at your kids IS ABUSE, whether this fact hurts your feelings or not. Facts are facts.

If you yell TO your child, or OVER the voices of your other children, THAT is not the same as yelling AT your child.  And yelling at them once ever, because you're afraid (like if they run into a busy street), is different than yelling at them because you "lost patience after nicely telling them something 50 times", and that's happening on a regular basis.  Yelling to get away from the stove is not the same as yelling out of frustration.  There is a huge difference between constantly yelling at your child, and yelling because you just don't have those awesome go-go-Gadget-arms, or the ability to fly.  (Did I just date myself there with that Inspector Gadget reference?)

Our children are smaller than we are (atleast for a while).  Their inability to fight back is not an excuse to mistreat them.  Its all the more reason to treat them well.  They need to be protected, not taken advantage of.  Respect is not gained by inflicting fear.  It's earned.  Give respect, get respect.


In closing, I don't appreciate it when someone gets all crabby because I can show proof that constantly yelling at children is abusive.  If anyone wants to defend their yelling, tell it to someone else because I don't want to hear it.  There's nothing anyone is ever going to say that is going to suddenly make me see that side as right, and no matter what I'm never going to wake up and say "Oh, you are so right.  Yelling at kids is just fine...despite the proof otherwise.  I think I'll go home and scream at mine right now.  I sure don't want to raise brats.  Eff respect, they need fear! Mmwooohahahahahaha!"
Yeah.  Not gonna happen.
 

No society will ever rise higher than its weakest, smallest members. Unless they are lifted too, they will pull society down. -Kidsread

And for the record:

Just sayin'.

LOL  Have a good one.  ; )

Knowing Better and Doing Better...Meghann's Story (With Quote By Victora F.)

"Once I gave birth I opened my heart, soul, and mind. Before giving birth I had my own ideas of what parenthood would be like. Thank goodness I birthed a strong soul who taught me differently." ~Victoria F.

This is a wonderful and inspirational story from a mom who started out a mainstream mom, and who has taken a complete roundabout to become a heart-following natural parent.

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They always say hindsight is 20/20 or when you know better, you do better.  That is definitely true in my case.  

I had worked in a Chiropractors office for a few years and there were already a few things I KNEW I wanted for my children to be.  I wanted to go natural and drug free with my birth.  I wanted a doula to help me achieve that goal.  I didn’t want to vaccinate at all. I wanted my kids to be adjusted from day one.  I wanted to breastfeed and make my own baby food when the time came.  My in-laws took the initiative to talk to us about circumcision and told us to really do our research before deciding.  I was thankful they put themselves out there and talked to us.  Otherwise, we probably would’ve done it….since we didn’t ‘know better’.    But that was the extent of my natural parenting. 

My first son in hospital before he was whisked away.

I had my first son in 2005.   I did it drug-free, so I was fairly happy with my birth experience.  But it was in a hospital and I had a few unfortunate experiences during labour with hospital staff.    We took our son home whole, and then I had no clue what to do.  I breastfed, never enjoying it, but did it because I wasn’t going to give my baby less than what I knew was best.

But that’s where the best kind of stopped.  I started listening to other parents and what their expectations of babies should be.  Are you charting his poops and pees? How’s his weight gain? Is he gaining enough? Better feed him cereal, he seems underweight.  Make sure he eats a certain amount at every meal!  If your baby was fussy he was ‘bad’, if he never cried he was ‘good’.  Don’t hold him too much, then you’ll always need to hold him!  Don’t let that baby sleep in your bed, he needs to learn independence, he’ll become too attached, he’ll be sleeping with you when he’s *gasp* 5 years old!  How will you have a sex life?  Don’t give in to the night crying!...leave him there, he’ll work through it, he needs to self soothe!  Is your baby misbehaving??!...better give him a slap or two so he knows what’s not allowed! 

And so I listened.  

I moved my son at 8 weeks old into his crib.  I’d stand outside the door yearning to grab him when he cried and then the voices from others would ring in the back of my mind “DON’T”!   I’d smack his leg or bum when he misbehaved as early as 7 months.  I cry looking back now, how could I EVER do that?!  It’s a regret I have every day of my life. 

Despite that, he’s turning into a sweet boy, sensitive and nice, but still has anger issues.  I feel it stems back to me and those early, early times.   But we’re working on it in gentle ways. 

Since him, I had another boy, this time born in a birth center, in water, attended by a midwife.  It was so peaceful.   Breastfeeding was a breeze this time around, I actually enjoyed it!  I had learned so much from my midwives during prenatal visits.  Our visits were an HOUR long (compared to 10 minutes with my OBGYN first time around.)  These were the pregnancy and parenting answers I was looking for!  More natural, back to basics type answers.  I learned to relax more and to trust my instincts, and things have gone fairly well. Son number two is a relaxed, laid back kinda guy, loves his mama and is so sweet.

Son two was born in a birthing center.

My support team! Hubby, mother in law, sister in law.

My gorgeous boys .  : )

Baby three was a girl and I had her at home with midwives.  Our way of parenting her is so opposite to our first.  We welcome her in our bed whenever.  She slept with us for the first several months of her life, I couldn't bear to put her in another room.  I still bring her to bed and feed her through the night when she needs.  In fact it’s rare that we ever wake up with just the two of us in bed.  I complain we need a King size bed to fit the 5 of us in there, since the boys are more than welcome to come in whenever they feel the need, and they do nearly every night.   Our daughter has never cried longer than 2 minutes without one of us grabbing her.  You can’t spoil a baby, but you can make them feel like they’re not getting enough love.  We fed her solid foods when SHE was ready, and we did baby-led weaning…so much less stress than pureeing food and making sure she’s getting a certain amount.  She enjoyed everything she ate because it was her choice to eat it!  She will wean from breastfeeding when she’s ready, not on my timetable.  We cloth diaper with her, I don’t know why I didn't think I couldn’t do it with the others, it’s way easier than I thought and I’m secretly addicted to buying cloth!   We've had her spine adjusted since she was a day old.  She’s never had antibiotics or any neurotoxin in her body.  We baby wear her all the time.  She’s never had a drop of formula.  We extend rear-face her car seat now.  The boys were flipped around immediately when they turned 1 and were 20lbs…she’s 24lbs and 15 months, no way we’re flipping her car seat around to forward face yet.  We discipline completely different, much more calmly and gently.  We try to treat our kids how we’d like to be treated.

My daughter’s birth at home with my oldest son and hubby by my side

My amazing midwives and the other important people in my life who I needed there for the event.

With every child I learned something new.  Once I was pregnant with my third, I learned even more . My desire to know as much as I could, led me down all sorts of information pathways.  This has impelled me to make changes in other areas of our life.  We eat better, little or no processed foods, more whole foods, less sugar, no dyes.  We buy organic and pasture-fed when we can.  I've changed all our cleaning products to non-toxic or completely natural.  I've recently made the switch from shampoos and conditioners to baking soda and vinegar!  Hahaha.  I've dumped all my lotions, creams and makeup and opted for coconut oil and minerals.  We've cut out fluoride and bought bamboo toothbrushes.  We un-school and follow our kids desires in learning.  It couldn't be going better.   And I have Facebook largely to thank.  There is a whole community of people who are attached parents…I never had gentle parenting support in the circle of friends I was in.  I learn so much from all my natural living pages and all the attached parents striving to do the best for their kids! I learn every day.


So never stop learning, it can completely change who you are and the kind of parent you’ll become.

Our happy and complete little family.

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My intentions of sharing her story are to give some hope to other people who may not be parenting with their heart.  I know all too well that putting our thoughts into actions sometimes only need something as simple as knowing you're not alone, that you're not crazy for wanting to pick up your crying child.  Sometimes all we need is to know that there are other people who were once where we are, and who are now doing thing differently...doing things better than they were before they knew better...and who are happier (and have happier children) than before.

I believe that we all have the capacity to treat our children as we would want to be treated ourselves, and to love and guide them with respect.  I believe that when we know more, we know better.  And when we know better, we do better.

Thank you Meghann for sharing your story.  xoxo

Being A Parent Is Hard Work!

Growing up I was told to "never have children".  It was probably not the best thing that someone should have said to their own CHILD, but whatever.  That's not the point.  The point is, as much as it was inappropriate to dump that information on a child who then felt that they were not really appreciated, as an adult, I get it.  I wasn't told that because I was a mistake (though I surely was an accident), I was told that because parenting is SO very different than it looks on tv...or when you see people walking down the street with their children.  It's hard, and you have to give up a lot...sometimes all...of yourself, to be the person you NEED to be for them.  They deserve the best, and it's up to us as the adults to make sure they get it.  Sometimes it's pretty easy, but sometimes...sometimes it rips you apart.

I love my kids.  I cannot even tell you a word to describe how much I love them.  It's like when they were born, a piece of me just disappeared, and it was replaced with a piece of them.  They are the reason I laugh, the reason I smile.  And sometimes, they are the reason I cry.  Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming to know that I am responsible for not only their lives, but for every part of who they become as they grow into adults.

I'm responsible for their physical, mental, and emotional well-being.  As a parent, I've had to learn more about vaccines and disease than I'd ever had learned if I never had kids.  It's my job and my responsibility to know everything there is to know about them.  My children's lives are at stake!  I've spent about 2 1/2 years keeping up on the latest information, and re-reading things I've looked at in the past, just so I can know exactly what I'm talking about.  When it comes to my kids, I don't get to make excuses.  I need to know--so I do.

I've had to learn about circumcision.  Something I never ever thought about before having kids.  I had only seen one intact penis in my life before I had kids, and it was when I was about three years old at the time.  (The boy was about a year old, and his mom was changing his diaper at a family event.)  At least, I don't THINK I've seen one since.  (Though I'm not really sure...they look pretty similar when they're erect.  And I've never had much experience with a flaccid penis, so I wouldn't know.  Sorry if that was TMI.)  When it came to my own son, I had to know the facts.  I had to know what it was that my husband wanted done to our son.  And now, three years later, I know more about penises than I do about my own female anatomy.  Strange, I know.  At the time it was only the mother in me that couldn't allow my son to be hurt anymore.  Now that I know more, it's clear that the mother instinct to protect my young was exactly what was needed in that moment.  I'm thankful I listened.

Since having kids I've had to learn about gentle parenting.  Not because I wanted to, but because my children's emotional health depended on it.  I was spanked.  I remember being afraid of my parents...and sometimes that fear ended in me getting spanked for doing what I THOUGHT they wanted me to do.  I spent a lot of time feeling like I couldn't do anything right.
I promised myself that when I had kids, they'd never feel that way.  I didn't ever want my kids to be afraid of me.  I'm proud to say, they most definitely are not afraid of myself or my husband.  I will say, though, that coming from a generation of children that were openly "swatted" in public, readily spanked, and threatened all the time, the "peaceful parenting" thing was pretty alien to me.  I knew I wanted a better way to do things than were done to myself and my brother, but I didn't really know how to go about it.  When I stumbled upon Peaceful Parenting, I will FULLY admit, I thought it was a load of crap.  It took me a long time to really read the posts and realize that they are jam packed with links to show that these "opinions" are more than that.  They are facts.  I'm thankful that I realized that before my children ever had to experience life the way I did.  They were still quite small when I saw the light.  I'll be forever grateful to Guggie for posting the links on her Facebook wall...which always oddly seemed to be exactly what I needed at that moment.  She showed me the way, without ever really doing more than making information available.  (Lots of love to you momma.  You can find her blog HERE.)

But really, out of everything, the thing I've found the hardest about parenting is figuring out what it is that I need to know...before it's too late.  That 20/20 hindsight thing is just great, and I mean that in the most sarcastic way.  I hate finding out facts about something when there's nothing I can do to change things.  For example, I only learned about milk banks, and the information about the ingredients of formula AFTER my daughter had been on her prescription preemie formula for 7 months.  When I found out, I took her off of formula, and put her on 3% goat's milk.  But that doesn't change the fact that for 7 months, she was on formula.  She could have been getting some wonderful mother's milk, and getting the nutrients designed for human infants.

I allowed my children to be vaccinated at 2, 4, and 8 months old.  They also had 5 months of RSV shots paid for by the Canadian government because of their gestational age and weights when they were born.  Despite the fact that in my gut, I knew that there was something wrong with vaccinating the kids at 2 months, when they'd been born 2 1/2 months early, I let it happen.  Then, at four months (when they should only have been 1 1/2 months old), I let it happen again...and again when they should have only been 5 1/2 months old.  Every month during their first winter, they got that RSV shot as well.  I tried to time it so it was as far from the other shots as possible...but I let it happen.  Our doctor, the nurses in the NICU, and the nurse at the Dr's office all told me that the kids would get sick and die if they weren't vaccinated.  I let fear make my choices, instead of facts.

Having children has taught me that fear can sometimes override common sense.

After I started researching, the kids never got another vaccination.  When you know better, you do better.  Right?

Something else I have been lucky enough to learn about is ERF (extended rear-facing).  Our twins were rear-facing until about 18 months.  I didn't keep them rear facing as long as I would have liked to, but again, it was before I knew better.  Our new baby will be RF for a minimum of 2 years.

When I was told that being a parent was hard, I thought people were talking about the lack of sleep, or the  messes, or driving them around to different things.  Boy, was I wrong!  Although parenting is somewhat physically hard on us, it is so much more emotionally hard on us.  Looking at my children I am brought to tears thinking of what would happen to me if something was to happen to one of them.  They are my world.  My light.  And I waited so long for them.  That is why I spend so much time online, reading, researching, learning.  They deserve the best, and I NEED to know how to make sure they're getting it.

The baby has never had a vaccination, and will benefit from my research.  She will never have to worry about being injected with chemicals that would be illegal to put in juice and sell on the front yard.  (If it's not safe to DRINK, why is it safe to inject it directly into their bodies?!)

She will never have to worry that her little head will tear away from her spinal cord in a car accident because she was turned forward-facing at the minimum requirements.  (We didn't do that with the twins, either, but she'll stay rear-facing until a MINIMUM of 2 years.)

She will have the benefit of sleeping in our bed until she's too big to fit in there with us.  And after that, she will sleep in our room in her own bed until she's old enough to share a room with the twins.

She has had the benefit of BLW, eating at her own pace, not on the schedule of other people.  (She was a week less than 7 months old before getting her first solids, though she was trying to swipe our food at 4 months.)

She will never have to endure the trauma of forced weaning.  When she's done, she's done.  It's up to her.  I will never push her to stop, like I had to do with her brother.  (I was 2 months pregnant with her when her brother was encouraged to wean...she was a high-risk, no sex pregnancy.)  My job is to provide her with every opportunity for great health and happiness, not push her off the boob because people that don't know the facts tell me that she's "old enough to stop now".  To them I say, why do you care?  She's not on your boob, she's on mine.  And she's happy, healthy, and growing like a weed.  If you can point out how any of those things are bad, be my guest.  Since I'm pretty sure you can't, back off.

Also, our baby girl is now, after 10 months, being cloth diapered.  I didn't use them with the twins, though I did buy them.  (I sold them for super cheap, thinking I'd never use them, and knowing how expensive the damned things are to buy in the store.  I was trying to help people out by giving them a good deal.)  Now I'm up to my elbows in cloth diapers, and I love them.  I didn't think the day would EVER come that I could say that, because I thought the *extra* laundry would be enough to push me right over the edge.  LOL  Well, I've accepted the fact that I will NEVER get ahead on laundry, no matter how hard I try, so I might as well save some money, keep some diapers out of the landfill, and keep those chemicals off my baby's bottom.

I found that being a parent has also taught me that love can override fear.  We do what we have to do.  We pick up our pieces and we move forward, because we can't let fear run our lives.  When we let love take the lead, we magically find our common sense again.  Amazing how that works.

I'm sure that I'm never ever going to stop learning, and as things change, we'll adapt.  We'll do what we know is best for our kids, and let love help us keep our common sense in check.  We won't let fear make our choices, and I think we'll all be okay.  Parenting isn't easy.  But when I think about it, no one ever said it would be.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a tea party waiting for me.