"Why?" Our Choice Of Words Matter

So as promised, I'm writing a post about a conversation I had with a man on the phone.  The man I spoke to is the man who used to own the house we just bought...and the reason for his call was to plan a time to pick up a door he left behind that had been what they'd used to record the growth of their sons.  What would have normally been a two minute conversation with anyone else, as usual, turned into about an hour worth of conversation.  The man is a talker...but not at all a pain to listen to.  I actually enjoy his calls.

The two of us have talked about all sorts of things on the phone...he's an older man, retired, and has lots of time to just chat.  And as someone who doesn't get out much, I have some time to chat too.  And he's worth listening to.   Now, I'm not just saying that because I'm kind-hearted, or because I'm too nice, or whatever.  He really has some interesting things to say, and seems like one of those wise people I only get a chance to meet on very rare occasions.  I've found most people can talk your ear off without ever really saying much of anything.  But this man...he will fill you with ideas, and make you think about things you would have otherwise never thought much about in the first place...because they don't SEEM to matter.  But, when they're broken down...they do.  They DO matter.

For example, he talked to me about a book he's writing.  Now, I'm not going to get into it too much because it's not yet been finished, and I want him to have the chance to publish it without someone ruining that grand moment for him.  But I'll tell you part of our conversation.  It was about our use of the word "why".

He said to me that there are different parts of our brains that are triggered by different questions.  "How", "What", "When", etc., are all in a part of our brain that are linked with speech.  So, when someone says to you "How could you forget to do that?"  You can say, "Well, I had a lot on my mind, and I got busy, and it just slipped past me."  You have the ability to put into words HOW you managed to forget.

When someone says, "What are you doing?"  You can answer that easy enough.  "What" is verbal.

And an example he used was when a parent says to their child "You are so stupid", it is harmful to the child, but not in the same way it is if that parent was to say "Why are you so stupid?"

"Why" questions are not answered in the verbal area of our brain.  It has no voice.  The answers are deep inside of our subconscious, and we answer them to OURSELVES...and store those answers and feelings within our own brains.

For example, when a parent asks their child "Why are you so stupid? Why can't you be more like your brother/sister?", the brain goes into action and answers that question subconsciously...it will go through all the possible answers about WHY they are so stupid, and why they'll never be as good as their brother/sister.  And that is lifelong damage...because it can't be spoken.  It can't be fixed because there is no voice to even identify the pain it caused.

Words can hurt the ones we love the most.

And, in the same way that "why" can be used to damage a child, it can be used to lift them up.  It can be used to have that child answer to themselves why it is that they are fantastic.  "Why are you so wonderful?", "Why are you always so loving?", "Why do you make me so happy?"  With these questions, you set your child's brain into action.  You get their brain listing all the reasons they are so wonderful, so loving, and the reasons they make you so very happy.  Over time, even a child who has been subjected to negative comments can heal.  This is a great way to speed up that process...train their brain to tell them WHY they are so wonderful.

This also works for us...the adults.  There are times that our children (particularly in that stubborn age between 3-5 years old), drive us crazy.  I'm not going to lie, there are days I have wanted to run away...if only I could find my other shoe...  LOL
But we can program our own brains too.  We can ask our children "Why do I love you so much?"  To them, the choice of words will immediately cause them to think that we're just saying "I love you so much."  Their brains will start to answer WHY we love them so much...but so will OURS.  Suddenly we're not only causing our children's brains to tell them all the reasons we love them, but it's telling ours why we do, too.  And it doesn't take long before our subconscious makes it impossible NOT to think of the reasons we love them, every time we ask them that.  Soon the love we have for them, a love we didn't think could possibly be stronger, grows.

And words can lift them up.

I know this to be true because of seeing the way the previous owner of our house speaks to his wife, and how he speaks ABOUT her.  I honestly have never heard a man talk about his wife with so much love.  And it's because he has spent years asking her why he loves her so much.  He told me that she thinks he's just saying that he loves her, but really he is purposely programming his brain to list the reasons why he loves her so much.

Sometimes because of stress, or just from being tired, a person can use words they didn't mean to use...or wouldn't have used had they been in a better frame of mind.  It happens.  Shit happens.  But we don't need to just leave it like that.  We have the opportunity every single day to change things.  We have the ability to lift up not only our children, but everyone else in our lives that mean something to us.

I challenge you to use "why" in your questions...but use it to lift people up, not drag them down.  When we take the time to be aware of our choice of words, we can make all the difference in someone's life.  Go out and make that difference.

Constant Yelling Can Be Just As Harmful to Children as Physical Abuse

I'm sure this information is no surprise to most of us, but for those that think it's just fine to SCREAM at your kids all the damned time, here's some information for you.


Taken from HERE. 

What does the research show?

Most parents, even the most patient ones, lose their temper and yell at their children. According to a 2003 study published in The Journal of Marriage and Family, 88 percent of the 991 families interviewed admitted shouting, yelling or screaming at their children in the previous year. That percentage jumped to 98 percent in families with 7-year-old children.

While occasional yelling is common in American families, parents who constantly yell at their children are subjecting their children to emotional abuse that researchers say can be as harmful as physical abuse. A 2001 study in the American Journal of Psychiatry involving 49 people with depersonalization disorder (a mental disorder in which a person has a feeling of detachment or estrangement from one’s self) and 26 emotionally healthy people, found that yelling and other forms of emotional abuse was a more significant predictor of mental illness than sexual and physical abuse.

Besides being potentially harmful if overused, yelling is often ineffective. “Children can become immune to being yelled at and start to tune it out,” according to psychologist Myrna B. Shure, Ph.D., of Drexel University. Dr. Shure’s research shows that parents whose only way of disciplining their children is by yelling, demanding or commanding have children that at age four or five are more likely to display physical or verbal aggression, social withdrawal, and a lack of positive/prosocial behaviors, such as sharing and empathy. She says instead of yelling, which makes children feel angry and frustrated, parents should use a problem-solving approach in which children are taught to think about their own and others’ feelings. For example, if your children will not pick up their toys, ask them to think of how you feel when they won’t pick up the toys. Then ask them to think of something they can do so you won’t feel that way. This approach can have large and long-lasting effects on children's behavior (see http://www.psychologymatters.org/shure.html andhttp://www.thinkingchild.com).

How do these findings relate to ACT?

The ACT program recommends that the best way for parents to prevent negative behaviors in their children is to support positive behaviors. Parents may be less tempted to yell at their children if they talk to their children about simple rules about behavior, and then put them into action. After setting up the rules, parents can guide children using some of the following approaches:

• Let children know what you expect, with simple statements. “Please put away your toys right now.”
• Give warnings and reminders, without threats. “When you put away your toys, then you can go outside with your friends.”
• Tell a child what to do rather than what not to do. “Please use a soft voice,” instead of “Stop yelling!”
• Follow through with praise for following instructions or consequences for disobeying.

It is normal for adults to get angry; but it is important to learn to recognize angry feelings and to learn and practice positive ways of dealing with them. For specific anger-management steps, read the ACT handout: "Helping Adults Manage Their Angry Feelings" (http://www.actagainstviolence.org/materials/handouts/FamilyAM1.pdf).

Citations:

Simeon, D., Guralnik, O., Schmeidler, J., Sirof, B., & Knutelska, M. (2001). The role of childhood interpersonal trauma in depersonalization disorder.American Journal of Psychiatry, Vol. 158, pp. 1027-1033.

Straus, M.A., & Field, C.J. (2003). Psychological aggression by American parents: National data on prevalence, chronicity, and severity. Journal of Marriage & Family, Vol. 65, pp. 795-808.

Shure, M.B. (2005). Thinking Parent, thinking child. New York: McGraw-Hill.

If you can't handle your kids without yelling at them all the time, it's YOU who needs to change.  They are CHILDREN, and they get ONE childhood.  You get ONE chance to do this right.  If you can't do it the way it needs to be done, admit it, and seek help.  Please.

Your children deserve the very best life.  Living in fear is no way to live.

**And to those who are all butthurt about this article that states that screaming at children regularly is abuse, I suggest you read THIS post, and perhaps grow up and move on.  Obsessing over this one post makes you look crazy.  Bye bye now!**

Knowing Better and Doing Better...Meghann's Story (With Quote By Victora F.)

"Once I gave birth I opened my heart, soul, and mind. Before giving birth I had my own ideas of what parenthood would be like. Thank goodness I birthed a strong soul who taught me differently." ~Victoria F.

This is a wonderful and inspirational story from a mom who started out a mainstream mom, and who has taken a complete roundabout to become a heart-following natural parent.

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They always say hindsight is 20/20 or when you know better, you do better.  That is definitely true in my case.  

I had worked in a Chiropractors office for a few years and there were already a few things I KNEW I wanted for my children to be.  I wanted to go natural and drug free with my birth.  I wanted a doula to help me achieve that goal.  I didn’t want to vaccinate at all. I wanted my kids to be adjusted from day one.  I wanted to breastfeed and make my own baby food when the time came.  My in-laws took the initiative to talk to us about circumcision and told us to really do our research before deciding.  I was thankful they put themselves out there and talked to us.  Otherwise, we probably would’ve done it….since we didn’t ‘know better’.    But that was the extent of my natural parenting. 

My first son in hospital before he was whisked away.

I had my first son in 2005.   I did it drug-free, so I was fairly happy with my birth experience.  But it was in a hospital and I had a few unfortunate experiences during labour with hospital staff.    We took our son home whole, and then I had no clue what to do.  I breastfed, never enjoying it, but did it because I wasn’t going to give my baby less than what I knew was best.

But that’s where the best kind of stopped.  I started listening to other parents and what their expectations of babies should be.  Are you charting his poops and pees? How’s his weight gain? Is he gaining enough? Better feed him cereal, he seems underweight.  Make sure he eats a certain amount at every meal!  If your baby was fussy he was ‘bad’, if he never cried he was ‘good’.  Don’t hold him too much, then you’ll always need to hold him!  Don’t let that baby sleep in your bed, he needs to learn independence, he’ll become too attached, he’ll be sleeping with you when he’s *gasp* 5 years old!  How will you have a sex life?  Don’t give in to the night crying!...leave him there, he’ll work through it, he needs to self soothe!  Is your baby misbehaving??!...better give him a slap or two so he knows what’s not allowed! 

And so I listened.  

I moved my son at 8 weeks old into his crib.  I’d stand outside the door yearning to grab him when he cried and then the voices from others would ring in the back of my mind “DON’T”!   I’d smack his leg or bum when he misbehaved as early as 7 months.  I cry looking back now, how could I EVER do that?!  It’s a regret I have every day of my life. 

Despite that, he’s turning into a sweet boy, sensitive and nice, but still has anger issues.  I feel it stems back to me and those early, early times.   But we’re working on it in gentle ways. 

Since him, I had another boy, this time born in a birth center, in water, attended by a midwife.  It was so peaceful.   Breastfeeding was a breeze this time around, I actually enjoyed it!  I had learned so much from my midwives during prenatal visits.  Our visits were an HOUR long (compared to 10 minutes with my OBGYN first time around.)  These were the pregnancy and parenting answers I was looking for!  More natural, back to basics type answers.  I learned to relax more and to trust my instincts, and things have gone fairly well. Son number two is a relaxed, laid back kinda guy, loves his mama and is so sweet.

Son two was born in a birthing center.

My support team! Hubby, mother in law, sister in law.

My gorgeous boys .  : )

Baby three was a girl and I had her at home with midwives.  Our way of parenting her is so opposite to our first.  We welcome her in our bed whenever.  She slept with us for the first several months of her life, I couldn't bear to put her in another room.  I still bring her to bed and feed her through the night when she needs.  In fact it’s rare that we ever wake up with just the two of us in bed.  I complain we need a King size bed to fit the 5 of us in there, since the boys are more than welcome to come in whenever they feel the need, and they do nearly every night.   Our daughter has never cried longer than 2 minutes without one of us grabbing her.  You can’t spoil a baby, but you can make them feel like they’re not getting enough love.  We fed her solid foods when SHE was ready, and we did baby-led weaning…so much less stress than pureeing food and making sure she’s getting a certain amount.  She enjoyed everything she ate because it was her choice to eat it!  She will wean from breastfeeding when she’s ready, not on my timetable.  We cloth diaper with her, I don’t know why I didn't think I couldn’t do it with the others, it’s way easier than I thought and I’m secretly addicted to buying cloth!   We've had her spine adjusted since she was a day old.  She’s never had antibiotics or any neurotoxin in her body.  We baby wear her all the time.  She’s never had a drop of formula.  We extend rear-face her car seat now.  The boys were flipped around immediately when they turned 1 and were 20lbs…she’s 24lbs and 15 months, no way we’re flipping her car seat around to forward face yet.  We discipline completely different, much more calmly and gently.  We try to treat our kids how we’d like to be treated.

My daughter’s birth at home with my oldest son and hubby by my side

My amazing midwives and the other important people in my life who I needed there for the event.

With every child I learned something new.  Once I was pregnant with my third, I learned even more . My desire to know as much as I could, led me down all sorts of information pathways.  This has impelled me to make changes in other areas of our life.  We eat better, little or no processed foods, more whole foods, less sugar, no dyes.  We buy organic and pasture-fed when we can.  I've changed all our cleaning products to non-toxic or completely natural.  I've recently made the switch from shampoos and conditioners to baking soda and vinegar!  Hahaha.  I've dumped all my lotions, creams and makeup and opted for coconut oil and minerals.  We've cut out fluoride and bought bamboo toothbrushes.  We un-school and follow our kids desires in learning.  It couldn't be going better.   And I have Facebook largely to thank.  There is a whole community of people who are attached parents…I never had gentle parenting support in the circle of friends I was in.  I learn so much from all my natural living pages and all the attached parents striving to do the best for their kids! I learn every day.


So never stop learning, it can completely change who you are and the kind of parent you’ll become.

Our happy and complete little family.

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My intentions of sharing her story are to give some hope to other people who may not be parenting with their heart.  I know all too well that putting our thoughts into actions sometimes only need something as simple as knowing you're not alone, that you're not crazy for wanting to pick up your crying child.  Sometimes all we need is to know that there are other people who were once where we are, and who are now doing thing differently...doing things better than they were before they knew better...and who are happier (and have happier children) than before.

I believe that we all have the capacity to treat our children as we would want to be treated ourselves, and to love and guide them with respect.  I believe that when we know more, we know better.  And when we know better, we do better.

Thank you Meghann for sharing your story.  xoxo